


am i in your head (half as often as you're on my mind?)

by RoseofWinterfell



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: And They Were Room Mates, Angst, Bisexual JJ Maybank, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Idiots in Love, Smut, furture fic, like for real, like platonic bed sharing, oh my god they were room mates, platonic bros doing platonic things, pregnancy fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:54:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26658517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseofWinterfell/pseuds/RoseofWinterfell
Summary: The food crackles and pops in the pan and she’s not sure if it’s that or the smell that rouses JJ from his sleep. He lets out a small groan and she turns to see him slowly sitting up and rubbing at his eyes trying to rid them of sleep.She turns to him and offers a small smile, spatula in hand. ‘Morning.’JJ blinks at her a couple times, his hand comes up to run through his already tousled hair, his eyes focus onto her and Kie can’t quite figure out what makes his eyes slightly widen and his mouth fall when they do.‘Holy shit,’ he breathes out.Her first thought is that he sounds shocked, the next iscrap, did he not remember last night?He hadn’t seemed drunk, but she can’t be sure. Maybe she’s just created an insanely awkward situation where he hasn’t seen her in two years and all of a sudden he wakes up and she’s in his kitchen making breakfast.‘You really are pregnant,’ he continues.After finding out she’s pregnant, for reasons even she doesn’t quite understand herself, Kie goes to JJ. Thought out the months of her pregnancy her and JJ fall into comfortable and entirely platonic domesticity that will in no way result in them falling in love.
Relationships: Kiara Carrera/JJ Maybank
Comments: 93
Kudos: 162





	1. bun meet oven

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Lost My Mind by Alice Kristiansen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Mia and Jordan for betaing for me and creating the massive shift in the commas to fullstops ratio. To Stina for listening to me say 'I'm gonna finish this chapter this week' and then not more than a few times and never giving me shit for it. And of course to everyone in the group chat and whoever sent me asks about my wip's for continuing to be excited for this fic despite me refusing to tell any one what it was about.
> 
> Over the next eight chapters you will be subjected to a healthy dose of domestic fluff, a bit of angst to keep you on your toes, a sprinkling of smut because I couldn't resist and of course an infuriatingly large amount of idiots in love.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

_Am I in your head_

_Half as often as you're on my mind?_

_If I don't make sense_

_Please, forgive me, I can't sleep at night_

_At least not alone, not anymore_

_Not since I found what I never went looking for_

_And now you're in my head_

_I must've lost my mind_

_There's an empty space beside me_

_And I'll keep it that way_

_Until you're here_

_I need you here_

* * *

The hallway to JJ’s apartment is much like the outside of the small complex, old and falling apart. Kie leans against the wall next to his door and looks around the small space. The paint is chipped and coming off the walls, the carpet worn in from years and years of people walking up and down it; it also sports a selection of unidentifiable but certainly suspicious stains. Above her, the fluorescent light flicks and dimly lights the hall with a yellow glow. 

JJ’s not home, which she’d learnt quick enough, after she’d banged on his door incessantly when he didn’t answer he knocks. She guesses it makes sense. It is a Friday night after all and it’s not like she told him she was coming over. She really hadn’t planned on coming to JJ’s. Hell, she hadn’t even told the Pogues she was coming home. 

Kie has lost track of how long she had been standing outside his apartment. She thinks it had been at least an hour of waiting, thinking a million times that she should just leave or maybe text him, but she can’t bring herself to do either. Really, she could go to The Chateau, to John B and Sarah, but for whatever reason she doesn’t want to, thinks they’ll ask too many questions, fuss too much. JJ doesn’t do that. JJ’s easy, and while he doesn’t always say the right thing, he helps her relax and never pushes too much. 

The sound of the stairwell door opening and then slamming shut echoes down the hall, and her attention snaps in that direction, hoping to spot the familiar mop of blonde hair heading towards her. Which she does. The problem? He’s not alone. 

_Shit._

JJ has his arm wrapped around the shoulder of a girl, pulling her close to his side, his head turned to her as he whispers something in her ear. The girl smiles and then turns to JJ and connects their lips. Panicking, Kie starts looking around the hall, trying to find an escape plan to leave without being seen because, yeah, now she _knows_ she was overstepping by coming by unannounced, especially after being away for so long. 

The only exit is back down the hall, where she would have to pass them. Kie thinks she might be able to sneak around without them noticing while they are macking, if she put the hood up on her hoodie JJ might not recognise her even if he does see someone. 

She pushes off the wall as the couple come down the hall towards her, joined at the mouth. Before she even starts walking JJ’s eyes flick to her, having sensed some movement, and then back closed for a second before his brain caught up. 

Suddenly JJ’s pulling away from the girl and staring at her, eyes bugging out. 

‘Kie?’ He almost sounds alarmed. 

She offers him a small wave and bites at her bottom lip nervously. 

‘When did you get back? What are you doing here?’

He’s staring at her like he’s seen a ghost. To be fair, it’s been almost two year since she’s been home and seen him in person, ever since she graduated and took off on her around the world adventure. But it’s not like she hadn’t regularly FaceTimed, called and texted the Pogues. It probably wouldn’t have hurt to have told them she was coming home, but there was so much to deal with, she just wanted to get past her parents before worrying about them as well. 

‘Um- yesterday.’ She clears her throat. ‘I was just leaving though. I didn’t mean to intrude...’

Kie gives JJ a smile and then turns to head down the hall. 

‘Hey, wait- no.’ JJ reaches out and grabs her wrist, stopping her from going anywhere. 

His eyes flick between Kie and the girl a couple times, who does not look too happy about some other chick being here and interrupting her night. JJ quickly reaches into his pocket and fishes out a set of keys. He unlocks the door to his apartment and swings it open. 

‘Just go in, I’ll be there in a minute.’ He gestures to Kie. 

The girl next to them scoffs and glares at Kie as she hesitantly goes inside. 

The inside is pretty similar to the outside, a bit run down and old. It doesn’t surprise her that JJ lives there, between the minimal furnishing to the random shit that is everywhere, he seems to accumulate junk. There’s empty beer bottles on nearly every surface, dirty dishes in the sink, a bag of weed just sitting on the kitchen table. She wrinkles her nose when she realises he was about to bring a girl back here.

Kie can hear voices on the other side of the door. The girl doesn’t seem all that impressed about the intrusion, but eventually the door opens and JJ slips inside.

He lingers for a moment before breaking out in a grin and stalking over to her with his arms wide. It feels surprisingly like coming home when he wraps his arms around her shoulders and pulls her tight. It’s the most welcome and calm she’s felt since she stepped foot on the island a day ago, probably in months if she’s being honest. She buries her head into the soft fabric of his shirt and takes in the familiar smell of salt water that never really leaves his skin. There’s no longer the lingering scent of weed that used to follow him everywhere he went, but she notes the cigarette smoke that replaces it and figures he’s swapped one bad habit for another. 

Eventually JJ pulls away. She misses his warmth but quickly shakes it off. His smile doesn’t fall as he looks down at her, and she’s grateful that he didn’t seem to notice the way she angled her body from his during the hug. 

‘Why the hell didn’t you tell us you were coming back?’

_Because it’s all so fucking overwhelming and I wanted to deal with my partents before I even thought about seeing you._

She doesn’t say that, instead shrugs and offers a nervous laugh. ‘Just wanted it to be a surprise.’

‘Well I’m fucking surprised.’ He gives her shoulder a playful push and then moves around her to head to the kitchen part of the open plan living area. 

‘So, were John B and Sarah not home?’ he asks casually, back turned to her. 

‘I don’t know, I didn’t go there.’

The words are out of her mouth before she realises that maybe she shouldn’t have mentioned that. 

JJ pauses where he’s opened the fridge door, leans on the top of it and turns to look at her with a scrunched brow. Once again, Kie is met with the realisation of just how weird it is that she chose not to go to The Chateau, a place of familiarity, like a second home, where two of her best friends would be and instead came to a place she’s never been before. To JJ. Who, yes, is also one of her best friends, but still when it comes to needing support, John B and Sarah are typically the go to’s, especially in comparison to JJ. 

‘I just figured it wasn’t a good idea to drop in on them unannounced, don’t know what you might walk in on there.’

The lie falls so cleanly from her lips that it almost feels like the truth. 

JJ tilts his head in contemplation and then nods. 

‘True. That’s a game of chance that I’ve lost far too many times.’ His attention turns back to the contents of the fridge, and a moment later he produces a beer and holds it out to her. ‘Want one?’

_God yes._

‘Nah, I’m good.’

JJ uncaps the bottle and throws the cap onto the kitchen bench, despite there being a perfectly good trash can right next to him, even if it is overflowing. He takes a sip of the beer and then gestures to the table with the bottle. 

‘I’ve got some weed,’ he offers. 

It’s so fucking tempting. For months she’s wanted nothing more to get high, something to help her relax, get her mind to stop working. But no, she can’t.

Kie shakes her head with a small tight lipped smile. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

She spins in the room a bit, desperate to do something other than just stand there. She wonders if it’s obvious to JJ how awkward she feels right now, dancing around what she knows she should be talking about. 

Her eyes land on the couch. She makes her way over to it and sits down, still not being able to find the natural, causal aura that she usually has around JJ, any of the Pogues really. 

JJ just watches her, his brow pulled together in confusion. 

‘What?’ she asks. 

He shrugs in response and starts moving over toward her. ‘I just don’t have many guests that aren’t here for the sole purpose of getting inebriated.’

When JJ flops down on the couch next to her she turns to him, pulling her legs up and sitting crisscross applesauce. He mirrors her with an arm slung over the back of the couch, one leg resting in front of her so he can turn to fully face her.

‘Well, maybe I just came cause I missed you. Is that so hard to believe?’ She hugs her arms around her middle, not looking him in the eye.

Taking a slow pull from his beer bottle JJ eyes her with a dubious look. ‘I guess stranger things have happened.’ He shrugs.

Their laughter fills the room and warmth fills Kie at the familiarity of it all. Sitting there laughing with JJ, his bright smile making her think that he is genuinely happy to see her, that she's there.

‘So did Australia suck then? I thought you we’re gonna stay for a couple more months,’ he says when silence falls again.

‘No, it was good. Great surf. I just.’ She pauses, trying to find the right words. ‘Just missed home, I guess.’

It’s not a lie. She has missed home. Missed the OBX, missed her parents, missed her boys, missed Sarah. But really in the last two years missing them hadn’t been enough to make her actually come back. She had loved traveling, seeing the world, would have happily done it for at least a couple more years.

JJ nods slowly, processing her words. ‘So, you’re here to stay?’

Not like she has much choice. She has to stop somewhere now, might as well be home.

‘For now, I suppose...’

She trails off and looks down to her lap, nerves taking over her again.

Once again they fall into silence, Kie watches her fingers play with each other in her lap. She’s pretty sure JJ can sense something is off with her, that she’s avoiding something, but she knows he won’t ask. That’s the thing about JJ, he knows what it’s like to want to avoid talking about his problems and emotions, so he’s never going to make someone talk about something they don’t want to.

He clears his throat and she can feel him shuffle his position slightly. ‘Are you gon-‘

‘I’m pregnant,’ she says in a single breath, cutting him off.

The air is still and JJ instantly stops his words. She can feel his eyes on her, she doesn’t look up at him, not having the courage, just picks at her nail and tries to settle her beating heart.

When JJ finally says something it's quiet and breathless. ‘Shit.’

Kie can’t help but laugh at that, it’s short and more of a snort, but still a laugh, because…

‘Yeah. Shit.’

She can hear him take another sip of his beer and then swallow hard.

‘Are you going to…’ He hesitates, but she already knows what he’s going to ask, ‘…keep it?’

It’s a question that had plagued her since she first saw those two lines on the test. She had spent next to a month avoiding thinking about it, not intentionally, it was just her mind didn’t want to think about it, almost like if she didn’t acknowledge it it wouldn’t be real, or maybe her body would just sort it out itself before she had to make a decision. It hadn’t, and she eventually came to the conclusion that she was going to do this.

‘It’s four months, so, a little late for that,’ is as much as she wants to elaborate on that.

She really didn’t know if JJ knew the parameters and timing for pregnancy and abortions but when she finally looks up at him, he’s nodding slowly, so she figures he at least understands that she’s going to be a mum.

It’s hard to read what JJ was thinking. She doesn’t know what she was or is expecting him to feel, or what he should feel really, but his natural expression is really not giving anything away. He quirks an eyebrow and tilts his head to the side, a lazy smirk forming on his lips.

‘Guess you had some fun in Australia then?’

She’s grateful for JJ’s desire to make light of every situation in that moment as she lets out a small laugh.

‘Not really,’ she admits. ‘Probably only lasted three minutes.’

She’d been in Byron, gotten drunk and gone home with some blonde surfer dude, with tan skin and muscles everywhere. He talked a good game that he in no way could live up to, and he had passed out after what was probably the worst sex of her life. It wasn’t until the next morning, while frantically trying to find her clothes and not wake the guy up, that she realised in their drunken state they hadn’t used a condom, and evidently there were some mistakes not even the morning after pill could fix.

It had been two weeks after that when she had realised she was pregnant and had no way of letting the father know. She’d gone back to the pub she met the guy at in a hope to see him again, feeling like it was the right thing to do, but even if she could remember his name, which yes, she had been pulling up short on, she wasn’t sure she could remember what he looked like. Half of them seemed to look exactly the fucking same.

JJ’s face practically glows as he laughs, and god, it makes her realise just how much she had missed him. ‘Fuck Kie, trust you to get knocked up and not even get the fun part out of it.’

‘I know, just my luck right,’ she says, joining his laughter in the hopes it will make her feel better.

It doesn’t. Her smile quickly falls and her face crumbles as tears start to fall.

_Fucking hormones._

‘Hey, hey it’s okay.’ The humour in JJ’s voice is instantly gone and is replaced with a soft tone. ‘Kie, it’s going to be okay.’

He shuffles as close to her as he can with the way their legs are positioned between them and wraps his arms around her shoulders, pulling her in close. Kie buries her face into his t-shirt, lets her tears soak through the fabric and holds onto him like it’s the only thing keeping her going while he whispers, _it’s okay, you’re going to be okay, I’m here,_ over and over again. It comforts her, but she thinks it might be more his voice than his words and she’s not sure what that means.

When she’s able to steady her breathing, she turns her head to the side, pushing her cheek into his chest so her words aren’t muffled.

‘I told my parents tonight.’ Her voice is broken and soft as she remembers earlier in the night.

The look on her mother’s face as she told her she had options, the way it morphed to disappointment and something that might’ve even resembled detest when Kie had stated that she decided to keep it. The way that her father's voice quickly turned from stern to shouts when she dug her heels in about her choice.

She remembers how they all but told her that if she did this she can leave and not come back, and how that’s all she needed to hear before she slammed the door behind her and disappeared into the cold of the night with nothing but her phone.

It meant that she had to walk all the way to The Cut, she’d spent the whole walk scrolling through two years worth of messages to find JJ’s address from when he sent it to the group chat back when he first moved, because for whatever reason going to The Chateau didn’t feel right. Because for whatever reason seeing JJ did.

He doesn’t say anything, just runs a hand up and down her spine, she can barely feel it through her thick hoodie but she hopes he doesn’t stop doing it.

‘I knew they wouldn’t be happy,’ she continues. ‘But I never thought they would…’

She trailed off, not knowing the right words for what happened. Kick her out? Disown her? She’s not really sure what happened, but she knows it’s pretty much the worst case scenario.

‘Kie, if they don’t want you in their lives then that’s their loss, okay? Fuck them.’

It doesn't quite help but does coax an almost laugh out of her, and she guesses that’s the best she can hope for. She closes her eyes and pushes tighter into his chest, letting the steady beating of his heart bring her comfort. 

* * *

When she wakes up she’s in a bed that is unmistakably JJ’s, and not just because of his smell all over the sheets. There’s not much in the room, just a bed, bedside table and beat up old dresser pushed against one of the walls, she spies a frameless picture perched on top of it. It’s one that Pope’s mum took years ago of the four of them on the dock out the front Heywards’: they’ve got their arms around each other, dumb grins on their faces with the sun in their eyes and wind swept hair. She can’t help smile at it.

Clothes litter the floor and tumble out of the closet door, that looks like it can’t shut past the pile. There’s a glass door to the side of the room, where some sun streams in, that seems to lead to a tiny excuse for a balcony. The bedside table is scattered with all sorts of junk, from loose change to an empty cigarette packet, to a bottle of lube and some condom wrappers that make here crinkle her nose at the sheet as she pulls herself from them and hopes JJ is at least mildly good at laundry.

She doesn’t remember falling asleep. Last thing she remembers is being pulled into JJ’s side on the couch, trying to keep a pathetic amount of tears from ruining his t-shirt. She feels a pang of guilt when she exits the room and sees JJ asleep on the couch, figuring that he must have moved her to the bed after she fell asleep.

 _Great_ , so not only did she show up unannounced, cock block him and emotionally unload onto him, she also kicked him out of his own bed. 

He’s rid himself of his shirt and his boots, laying with his feet slightly hanging off one end on the couch and what looks like a bundled up sweatshirt under his head at the other end in place of a pillow. Yup, she feels bad. 

There isn’t much in JJ’s fridge, more beer than any type of food, some take away containers that she pretty sure should have been thrown away at least a couple days ago. She does manage to find some bacon and eggs that seem like they probably won’t kill them from consumption: cooking him breakfast hardly seems like enough to say thank you for how much she put him out last night but it seems like a start. 

The food crackles and pops in the pan and she’s not sure if it’s that or the smell that rouses JJ from his sleep. He lets out a small groan and she turns to see him slowly sitting up and rubbing at his eyes trying to rid them of sleep.

She offers him a small smile, spatula in hand. ‘Morning.’

JJ blinks at her a couple times, his hand comes up to run through his already tousled hair, his eyes focus onto her and Kie can’t quite figure out what makes his eyes slightly widen and his mouth fall when they do.

‘Holy shit,’ he breathes out.

Her first thought is that he sounds shocked, the next is _crap, did he not remember last night?_ He hadn’t seemed drunk, but she can’t be sure. Maybe she’s just created an insanely awkward situation where he hasn’t seen her in two years and all of a sudden he wakes up and she’s in his kitchen making breakfast.

‘You really are pregnant,’ he continues.

She realises then that his eyes are fixed on her middle. Kie looks down to where the fabric of her shirt is stretched over the small bump forming, visible to him for the first time now that she's rid herself of her oversized hoodie.

She bites her lip nervously and slowly nods her head as she looks back up to him, attempting to gauge his reaction. To see if he was about to freak out.

‘Yeah.’

Pushing himself up from the couch, he makes his way over to her, his face neutral except for the slight crease in his brow, eyes fixated on the swell in her belly the whole time.

He comes right up to her, brings his hand up like he’s going to touch it, and then stops short, hands hovering inches away. His eyes flick up to look at her and then back down a couple times before stopping and swallowing hard. ‘Can I?’

It’s a relief that he asks, she’s heard horror stories about people thinking they have the right to touch pregnant women whenever they want. She already knows she’s not going to deal well with that. And even with how comfortable she is around JJ and the habit of casual touches they’ve fallen into over the years of being friends, she is glad he realises that boundary is there.

She gives him a nod and a small smile, even sticks it out for him a bit.

JJ’s hands are warm against her skin, even through the fabric of her t-shirt. They slowly graze over her, like he’s trying to get to know the change in her body, his eyes never shifting, like it’s the most fascinating thing he’s ever seen.

It’s a strangely intimate moment, them standing so close in silence in his kitchen, him running his hands over her like he’s trying to memorise every curve and bump of her body. Her breath hitches slightly when he’s suddenly crouching down so he’s eye level with his hands.

‘You’re, like... growing a whole ass human inside you,’ he says, it almost sounds like awe.

He looks up at her and a wide smile, flashing all his teeth, an excited twinkle in his eye.

‘That’s so fucking cool, Kie.’

She thinks the sound he makes is a giggle and it stirs up a flutter inside of her. There’s something about the joy that he’s radiating that seeps into her. Up until this moment she can’t really say she’s been _excited_ about the baby. All her emotions have been worry and fear and anxiety. About telling people, about what she was going to do, about if this was the right thing.

But now, she can’t help but mirror JJ’s grin, biting her lips to try and suppress it, which does not work. _She’s going to have a fucking baby, and yeah, that’s pretty fucking cool… and also slightly terrifying but that’s a problem for later._

After taking one last look JJ stands again and takes a step back, putting some distance between them. He clears his throat, in what she guesses is an attempt to break the moment, then tilts his head and sniffs the air.

‘Are you making breakfast?’

‘Oh, yeah,’ She turns on her heels back to the pan, she’d almost forgotten.

Kie intently watches the spatula push around the strips of bacon and decidedly does not look at him as she speaks, ‘Sort of a _thanks for letting me show up unannounced, weep in your arms and kick you out of your bed_ kind of thing.’

‘Hey, if that’s all I need to do to get you to cook for me.’ He comes up next to her, and she still doesn’t look at him. ‘You’re welcome anytime.’

She offers up a small laugh that JJ clearly doesn't buy, so he playfully bumps his shoulder with hers. He gives her a soft reassuring smile when she turns to him, she returns it and hopes it reaches her eyes.

They make casual conversation over breakfast, take the opportunity to catch up, not that they didn’t already really know what they were doing. They’d all done a pretty good job at staying touch over the years, their Pogue group chat still as active as ever.

JJ was still working at Benny’s auto body shop down near the marina, which apparently doesn’t pay great, but he likes the work and it’s a steady job. He still spends a lot of time at The Chateau, had lived there for a while until Sarah started spending more time there than on the college campus at Chapel Hill, and he felt like he was imposing too much. Didn’t mind having his own space too. He still surfs, goes fishing, spends weekends on the Pogue (which seems to spend more time having problems than not but him and John B refuse to give up on it). He almost looks proud when he tells her he only smokes weed on the weekends now. Instead of praising him like he might have hoped she reprimands him for the other smoking habit he’s clearly picked up on.

‘I need a few flaws, Carrera,’ he teases, ‘not fair to everyone if I’m too perfect.’

He’s looking at his plate, pushing around his food when he finally asks.

‘So, um.’ He clears his throat. ‘What’s your plan?’

She almost laughs. Any association between JJ and plans is extremely foreign.

‘I, ah…’ She had been hoping to have her parents’ support, but seeing as that’s clearly not an option, she has to actually think about what she had been putting off.

‘I’ve still got a decent amount of savings, ya know from The Wreck. I worked though most of the travelling to pay as I went so... I guess it will get me through the first couple of months once the baby comes… should probably find a job in the meantime.’

JJ watches her and nods, taking in her words.

Kie sucks in a deep breath and sighs ‘Need to find a place to live too.’

She swears she wasn’t fishing but JJ replies with, ‘You can stay here if you want.’

He says it so casually, in between bites of his breakfast, like he’s offering her a lift to the ferry or something.

‘JJ,’ she starts. ‘You don’t have to.’

‘I know I don’t, but I’m still offering.’

‘It’s a big deal.’

‘Kie.’ He pushes his lips together. ‘You’re my friend, you need a place to live. I’m happy to help, and well, isn’t it better to save now than throw your money away on rent?’

She wants to protest, but it does make sense, and it does sound a lot better than having to live alone.

‘Okay,’ she agrees. ‘Just for now.’

‘As long as you need.’ He shrugs. ‘As long as you want.’

Neither of them mention the obvious solution of the Chateau and the multiple spare rooms, but she doesn’t feel the need too either. It’s nice sitting at the table with JJ, exchanging soft smiles and casual conversation, even the occasional comfortable silence and she finds herself thinking how good it feels to be home.

* * *

She doesn't want to ask because it doesn't seem fair to just show up on his doorstep after so long and just expect him to do stuff for her, but she does ask, because she doesn’t have a car, or money, or anything other than the clothes on her back.

‘Yeah, sure.’ He doesn’t hesitate, not that she expected him to, scooping his keys up off the table. ‘Wait, they’re not gonna be there are they?’

She chuckles, years later and JJ is still intimidated by her parents. She shakes her head. If they go now they should miss them, her parents always spending Saturday mornings together, the perfect opportunity to sneak in and grab the rest of her stuff without having to deal with them.

The spare key is still in the same place it always has been, and they let themselves in without problem. JJ stands in the middle of her room when they go upstairs, eyes darting around taking it all in. He’s never been in her room before. Pogue hangouts at the Carreras’ weren’t exactly a thing growing up and boys in her room were a definite no-go.

‘So, what do you need?’ JJ asks.

When she left, she left with a backpack filled with essentials, mainly clothes. The rest she left behind at home. Kiara was thankful to find everything right where she left it two years ago when she returned. She figures really all she needs is her backpack. She’s been living with nothing but it, and there’s also a box in her closet filled with childhood mementos that she’s worried if she doesn’t take, they may never be seen again.

She starts going through all her things, figuring it can’t hurt to pack up a couple more clothes and bits and bobs she finds around the room, and stuffs it all into whatever boxes and bags she can find.

She grabs one of the big pillows off her bed and a soft throw blanket and packs them up, thinking of JJ on the couch that morning and the makeshift sweatshirt pillow under his head. It was the least she could do seeing as she was kicking him out of his own bed for the foreseeable future.

That was an argument they had while washing the dishes. She’d resisted, insisting that she’s more than comfortable on the couch and being pregnant doesn’t change that. He’d called her too fucking stuborn to accept help and suddenly she was boxed into a corner where she either she relented or let him be right about her being stubborn.

She was way too stubborn to let that happen.

He doesn’t say anything when her hand hesitates over the photoframe on her bedside table. It’s of her and her parents when she was 7, she’s missing a tooth and smiling wide, showing it off. It had always been her favourite photo.

Her heart pulls at the thought of her parents, at the potential of never having that bond again. She quickly picks up the frame and shoves it in a bag with the blanket.

She knows JJ sees and she’s thankful when he just turns and pulls a picture off her pinboard instead. He turns back to her and flashes the photo at her with a wide grin.

‘Hey, I have this photo.’

It’s the same one she saw that morning sitting on his dresser.

‘We all got a copy, remember?’

He turns the picture back around and looks down at it, smiling fondly. ‘Yeah, I just didn’t know anyone else kept it.’

‘It’s a good picture.’

One of her favorites. She doesn’t have many photos of the four of them. Most of them are blurry, drunken pictures taken of each other, like the collection of polaroids JJ had pulled off her wall and shoved into a box. _Memories, Kie_ , he’d justified. Nostalgia burned in her looking at that picture, for simpler times, when they were all together, living on the island, just trying to have as much fun as possible.

‘Yeah, it is,’ he agrees, before tossing it in with the other pictures and picking up the box. ‘That everything?’

Kie nods, and they start carting her stuff downstairs to load into his truck.

In the end, they take about 5 minutes too long. She’s on the last trip, bag slung over her shoulder, calling back to JJ to shut her bedroom door when he leaves and then all of a sudden her parents are there standing on the porch in front of her, stopping her in her tracks.

She adjusts the strap on her shoulder, flicks her eyes between their stunned faces and then looks at the ground.

‘Don’t worry, we’re leaving,’ she mumbles and side steps them hoping to avoid any other sort of confrontation. 

Her mum’s hand shoots out and grips her wrist, stopping her in her tracks. ‘Kiara, what are you doing?’

She rips her arm out of her grasp. ‘You wanted me gone, I’m going.’

‘Sweetheart, we don’t want you gone. We just want you to think this through.’

Kie pushes her lips together, trying to keep her to keep her cool. She doesn’t want to make this worse with another argument. 

‘I have thought this though. This is what I’m doing. I’m not a child anymore, you can’t tell me what to do and if you can’t accept that,’ she thinks back to JJ’s words last night, ‘then that’s your loss.’

‘But-’ 

The sound of boots against the hardwood floors cut her off, and her head snaps to inside the house.

JJ stills in the doorway, his mouth forming an O as his eyes flick between the three of them before settling on her. Kiara takes advantage of the distraction and flees down the stairs, hopping in the passenger seat of JJ’s truck and slamming the door behind her.

She sits, trying to keep the tears welling in her eyes from falling, and waits for JJ who she assumed would have been right behind her, but he doesn’t come.

Turning to look out the window back to the porch, she sees JJ standing in front of her dad who seems to be ranting at JJ, at one point gesturing over to the truck where she sat. JJ keeps a stoic expression the whole time, his mouth closed tight shut, jaw clenched, unblinking.

Mike finishes talking and they stand in silence for a moment before JJ slowly licks his lips and adjusts his grip on the box in his hand. Kie tries to strain her ears to hear what he’s saying when he responds but she’s too far away, and his words are too quiet for her to pick up on anything. 

It’s very uncharacteristic of JJ, the way he seems to be keeping his cool, not going off on her dad who seemingly just all but scolded JJ. He doesn’t look happy, with hard lines and a harder stare, but his words seem to come out steady and assured. 

When he finishes, he doesn’t give Mike a chance to reply before he’s brushing past him, shoulder bumping in what she assumes is an intentional slight. Kie looks away and waits as she hears JJ dump the box in the back and then he’s climbing in next to her.

He doesn’t look at her as he starts up the truck and exits the driveaway. The air is filled with tension and she can tell how worked up he is, probably working on calming down before they speak. Kie works on herself, letting out steading breaths to try and centre herself. She’s not going to cry, she’s not going to cry.

_She cries._

The tears slip silently from her eyes and her face crumples as she wills them to go away. She doesn't want this, she doesn’t want to be sad. She’s pretty sure she can feel JJ’s gaze on her she doesn’t look to see if he is, she doesn’t want to be so vulnerable.

His big steadying hand finds her shoulder, rubs at her for a moment. ‘You okay?’

She sniffles and then tips her head back, rubs at her cheeks to dry them. She sighs and nods. ‘Yeah.’

‘Cause it’s okay if you're not.’

She looks over at him and his eyes flick between her and the road. His face has softened considerably.

‘Oh my god,’ she says with a breathy laugh. ‘I think I liked you more before you went to therapy.’

It’s not something she ever would have heard him say a couple years ago, and she is honestly happy that he did finally decide to see someone. He had asked her about it around a year ago. 

He’d called and they had made casual conversation half heartedly, him seeming distracted in the way he’s like when he wants to talk about something but is avoiding it. 

She’d paused, let the silence drag on to give him plenty of time to build up the courage. Eventually his quiet voice had come down the line. 

‘Kie?’ She hummed in acknowledgement and let him keep going. ‘What do you think about therapy?’

Relief had washed over her at the question, for one that it wasn’t something serious. For two, it was something that she’d been thinking for a while would be good for him. She had talked to the boys about it on a few occasions, not that they liked talking about him behind his back or anything but they worried, and knew he’d never listen to them if they ambushed him about it. 

She’d tried not to seem too excited about the idea, so she didn’t scare him off or seem like she was pushing anything. Let him know that it only helps if you want it to, but it can’t hurt giving it a go. She had told him that it was worth trying out a few different people to find the right one, and that maybe he could look into some possible schemes that could make it a bit cheaper for him. 

He seemed kinda overwhelmed with it all so she offered to help. Did a bunch of research from the hostel computer in Bosnia and set up some appointments for him. 

They didn’t talk much about it after the day he told her he found someone that seemed kinda cool, Dr Christopher Madden. Told JJ to call him Topher, JJ told him that would not be happening. But apparently Topher liked to surf and didn’t mind if JJ swore with every other word, which JJ tended to do when he didn’t want to come across too serious, and let him talk about anything in his time, didn’t have to talk about the bad stuff if he didn’t feel like it. 

She knows he went for a while. Doesn’t know how much or how often or if he still does. But she’s truly grateful that he at least gave it a shot. 

_It’s okay to not be okay_ is probably what JJ’s needed to hear a million times in his life. She’s glad he knows it, and it’s probably what she needs to hear and he knows it. But it’s weird hearing him say shit like that. And honestly joking with him will always make her feel so much better than them engaging in some feeling-sharing pseudo-therapy session. No matter how unhealthy avoidance tactics are. 

‘Don’t worry, I’m still fucked up,’ he says with a small laugh, and gives her shoulder a quick punch before moving his hand back to the gear shift. She misses his touch when it is gone.

They sit in silence for a moment before she asks, curiosity getting the best of her, ‘What’d you say to him?’

‘What?’

‘My dad,’ she clarifies. ‘What did you say to him?’

He looks to her for a second, shrugging and shaking his head. ‘Nothing.’

‘JJ…’

‘Seriously, he just stopped me. Said some bullshit about how I should talk some sense into you. That I was enabling you or some shit. I just told him to fuck off and left.’

He hand readjusts on the steering wheel and the tick in his jaw makes her think he’s not telling her something but she doesn’t push it, just sighs and slumps into the seat.

‘Can we stop at a gas station?’

‘Yeah sure.’

Her hand comes up and runs over the swell at her belly. ‘The baby wants M&M’s.’

As far as pregnancy craving go, it’s pretty basic, but the need for the stupid chocloate candies has been intense for the past two weeks.

‘M&M’s.’ JJ nods and shoots her a grin. ‘I think I can arrange that.’

* * *

She lays low for the next week. They have the, _want to tell John B and Sarah?,_ conversation and JJ’s pretty understanding that she just wants to take some time to process things before telling them. They spend the rest of the weekend lazing around the apartment watching Netflix. She knows JJ probably has better ideas of how he wants to spend his weekend, like going fishing or surfing, but he doesn’t complain once.

Not even Saturday night when they are under a blanket on the couch, her head resting against his shoulder and he casually opens a snapchat from some girl in front of them. Kie sees the briefest flash of boobs on the screen before he’s quickly turning it out of her view and typing out a response. He drops his phone beside him and clears his throat, shuffling a bit under her.

‘You can ditch to go get laid, JJ, I don’t care,’ she mumbles, not taking her eyes off the screen, plopping an M&M into her mouth and crunching down on it. 

She doesn’t care. Well, she doesn’t care about the thought of him getting laid part. She already feels bad for cock blocking him once. She just doesn’t love the idea of being left alone, but she can suck it up.

‘Nah, I’m good.’

He wraps his arm around her waist and pulls her in.

‘You sure? They looked like a pretty stellar set of boobs.’

‘Eh, yours are better.’

She brings a fist up and wacks his chest and he responds with a deep laugh.

‘I’m serious. I’m pretty sure they’ve gotten bigger.’

He can’t see but she rolls her eyes anyway. ‘They have, dumbass. That happens when you get knocked up, so the baby can latch on and suck them raw.’

She figures the mention of breastfeeding a child would help get his mind out of the gutter.

He hums, ‘Lucky kid.’

She really should know better by now.

‘Do you have to be such a pervert all the time?’

‘Don’t _have_ to be.’

Being cooped up in the apartment is considerably less fun when JJ goes back to work on Monday. He leaves the keys to his truck and takes his bike, which he still has for some godforsaken reason, in case she wants to go somewhere, but she knows going outside means she will without question run into someone she knows, and she’s not ready to deal with that yet. And once one person knows, the whole island does.

She spends the whole first day cleaning. Throwing away the collection of random trash floating around, beer bottles and caps, random pieces of paper, a couple take away containers that never quite found the bin. Picks up all the random clothes off the floor and throws them into a basket for JJ, because she will clean his apartment but she will die a slow death before she starts doing his laundry. Scrubs the bathroom, which she felt was just shy of needing a hazmat suit to do so. Straightens up anything that doesn't seem to have a home neatly on surfaces and promptly avoids his bedside table when she sneaks a peak in the crack of the partially open drawer and decides that is not something she needs to subject herself too.

Washes the sheets for peace of mind.

She finishes up with stealing some wilted flowers from the front garden of the complex, putting them in a makeshift vase made from an old beer bottle and puts some of her favorite photos on the fridge, the one of her and the boys along with them.

It’s not perfect, but by the time she’s finished it’s a lot more homely and much less bachelor pad than it was at the start of the day.

JJ’s eyebrows shoot up the second he walks in the door, eyes scanning the apartment, taking in all her work. She doubts he’s seen it that clean since he moved in, maybe not even then.

He ruffles her hair and gives her a smile. ‘I guess I’ll keep you around.’

There’s not much to do after that though. Tthe rest of the week is wasted away binge watching Letterkenny, and then Santa Clarita Diet.

Thursday afternoon she’s laid up on the couch watching the chaotic dumbass antics of Joel and Sheila when JJ comes in the door, phone to his ear.

‘Oh baby, can’t go a week without seeing me? I’m touched.’

The mocking tone lets her know it’s John B before he points to the phone and mouths the words.

‘Tomorrow night? I ahh… I don’t know man…’ JJ deflects the offer, looking to Kie, silently asking the question.

She already knows the answer. She’s sick of being holed up in the appartement, thinks she’s ready for everyone to know, wants the support from her best friends, and well, she just really fucking misses them.

She gives JJ a nod and two thumbs up.

‘Yeah. Yeah. Sure man. I’ll come round there.’

Kie drops her hands back down to rest on the bare skin of her bump, having pulled her shirt up to trace the small curve. She’s getting bigger everyday and finds herself constantly drawn to touching it.

JJ finishes up the phone call and then comes over to her. She pulls up her feet giving him space to sit down and then drapes them over his lap when he does.

His hand rests on her calf, calloused fingers gently kneading at her flesh subconsciously.

‘Time to re-enter the real world huh?’

‘Yup.’ She watches her finger trace around her belly button. ‘Figured it was about time, it’s getting really boring in here. Anyway I’ve got my ultrasound tomorrow so I can give them all the details after.’

JJ turns to her and scrunches his brow together.

‘Ultrasound? I didn’t know you were doing that.’

She shrugs. ‘Booked it today.’

She had looked it up when she was still in Australia, and apparently you didn’t really need to have the first one until four months. She hadn’t been rushing, but she’s starting to think she should probably get a bit more proactive about the pregnancy stuff. She might be taking it all just a bit too casually.

‘Oh, okay.’ JJ nods a couple times. ‘That’s like, a big thing right?’

‘I mean, sort of. Get to see the baby for the first time, make sure everything's going okay.’

He bites his bottom lip and hesitates. ‘So, you’re gonna go alone?’

‘Yeah I guess.’ She shrugs, it's not like her parents were gonna come to hold her hand. ‘Unless… I don’t know… Unless you wanted to come… maybe.’

Asking him seems weird, like she’s not sure if she’s allowed to. JJ’s been nothing but supportive with it all, but she has no clue how much he actually wants to be involved in the baby stuff and she really doesn’t want him to feel pressured to do them just because he’s the only support system she has right now.

‘Do you… want me to come?’ He’s treading lightly too, seemingly just as unsure what the roles are here, the expectations.

It’s not like she needed him there or anything, but she could admit that she was kind of nervous about the whole thing, and having someone, anyone, there would help. She could admit to herself that is.

‘If you want I guess, I mean you don’t have too. I’m fine going by myself, I know you have work and…’

‘No, no. I’ll come,’ he cuts her off. ‘I’ve done enough overtime, Benny should give me a couple hours off.’

She pushes her lips together to keep her smile at bay, watches her finger trace up her bump from her belly button so she doesn’t have to look at JJ.

‘Cool,’ she says.

‘Cool,’ he repeats and it sounds equally as lame coming from him.

After a moment of silence, she sees JJ’s hand come up and give the bump and small poke.

‘So, baby got a craving for dinner?’

Her hands rest on either side of her stomach as she squints at it, like she’s trying to read a crystal ball. 

‘Hmmm.’ She looks up at JJ and cracks a smile. ‘Pasta?’

JJ lets out a laugh and grins at her, before lightly tapping her legs and moving to stand. ‘I’m on it.’

* * *

She makes it abundantly clear the next morning that JJ will have to leave work early enough to shower before they go to the appointment, that she’s not taking him to the doctor covered in sweat and grease. It still shouldn’t come as a shock when she gets a text from JJ 10 minutes before they have to leave saying he’s running late and to meet him out the front of the apartment complex.

‘You smell,’ she tells him when she climbs in the truck, slamming the door behind her.

It’s more out of spite than anything. He doesn’t really smell, only slightly, and she wouldn’t really say it’s _bad._

JJ sniffs the air and laughs. ‘It’ll be right.’

He seems to have put in some effort to look presentable: the white t-shirt and jeans he’s wearing seem to be fresh and not what he had been wearing while working. They pull away from the curb and Kie licks her thumb and leans over to rub a smudge of grease off his cheek.

JJ scrunches up his face and moves away from her touch but once she finishes he gives her a sideway glance, smirk playing on his lips.

The clinic is cold and quiet when they enter, and the receptionist tells them to wait in the seats off to the side. The longer they wait the more the nerves creep in. Really she’s never taken the time to think about the fact that something could be wrong with the baby, or that something could go wrong. Up until this point she’s been so focused on the things she can control, like was she going to keep it? How was she going to tell everyone? Could she handle being a mum at 20? But looking at the wall in front of her, lined with brochures on every risk possible, her brain is working in overdrive and she’s thinking she may be in way over her head.

She doesn't realise her leg is shaking until JJ’s hand is resting on her knee steadying it. 

‘You reckon the babies gonna have a cool accent?’

Kie’s face crumples in confusion as she looks over to JJ.

‘I mean the dad’s Australian right? So what if it ends up having an aussie accent?’

Her mouth bobs open and closed a couple times, not even knowing how to respond to that. JJ can be a bit of an idiot at times but she never would call him dumb, atleast not _that_ dumb.

A second later his lips are being pushed together to hide a smile and she notices the twinkle in his eye. _Oh._ He’s joking. To distract her.

Has she metioned how fucking grateful she is for JJ?

She cracks a smile along with a small chuckle. ‘Oh, I don’t know, just as long as it doesn’t come out holding a beer and saying racial slurs .’

JJ seems overjoyed as she plays into his joke. 

‘At least you can blame someone else when its first word is cunt.’

They both erupt into a fit of giggles. Only for a moment until Kie’s eyes fall onto one of the women sitting across from them, staring daggers at them. She’s not sure if it’s because of the noise they are making or for JJ’s foul mouth but she quickly realises they are probably being more disruptive than is appreciated in the small waiting room.

She quickly shushes JJ, bringing a finger up to her lips, trying her best to let it block out her own laughs. JJ’s face turns serious as he faces back forward and pretends to lock on his mouth, giving her a stern nod, then he throws her a quick wink before leaning back in his chair and casually throwing an arm over the back of her chair. Kie lets out a slow breath and closes her eyes. It’s like every muscle in her body has untensed and she can completely ignore the wall of horrors in front of her.

When they get called into the room, Kie gets asked to lay down on the bed. The doctor sits on one side of her with the ultrasound machine, JJ on the other with his chair pushed right up to the bed, practically hovering over her. 

The gel is cold against the bare skin. It’s a weird feeling as the wand rubs over her, pushing in a lot more than she thought they would. Kie focuses on the screen beside them, filled with fussy black and white splotches that didn’t mean a whole lot to her.

Then it’s there. On the screen in front of her, plain as day. A baby. A head and arms and legs. Her child is right there, growing inside her.

She can feel herself tearing up, and pulls her lip between teeth trying to keep a straight face. The doctor presses a few keys on the keyboard in front of her and then all of a sudden there’s a heartbeat, steady and strong, filling the room. 

A strangled breath escapes her throat as the tears finally escape her eyes and slowly run down her cheeks, the pure beauty and happiness of this moment finally catching up with her.

‘Baby is very healthy,’ the doctor, Linda, assures.

Kie turns to JJ. She is not sure what she’s expecting him to be feeling, but she feels like she just needs to see him before she falls apart completely. JJ’s staring at the screen, eyes squinted, mouth slightly agape. He doesn’t look like he’s experiencing the same overwhelming feeling as her, not that she expects him to be, but she really can’t even gauge if he’s feeling _anything._

He notices her looking and turns to her, a grin breaking out on his face, that drops the second he sees her face. 

‘You okay?’ he asks, concern laced in his voice.

Her face crumples but she nods frantically in assurance. They are tears of joy for sure, not the worry, or possibly sadness, he seems to be concerned it is.

He offers her a reassuring smile and his hand finds hers, interlacing their fingers and giving her hand a small squeeze as they turn back to the screen.

‘Do we want to know the sex?’ Linda asks.

‘I-’ Kie starts, but doesn’t know how to finish.

She hadn’t really thought that far ahead, whether she wanted to know not, whether it mattered or not. 

‘I mean, it’s just a construct right? And like what’s on that screen doesn’t matter until they are old enough to decide for themselves,’ she starts thinking out loud. ‘But, if it doesn’t matter, it can’t hurt to know right?’

Turning to JJ for some support or an opinion, all she gets is a furrowed brow and a shug. She guesses it’s a lot to expect him to help with that decision. It kinda scares her that it’s always going to be just her having to make these choices.

‘Okay… let’s find out then,’ she decides. Kind of. ‘I guess. Yes, no… Yeah, might as well.’

Linda pushes her lips together and Kie can tell she is repressing a smile at her indecisiveness.

The wand moves around a bit more and then she beams wide at them with the announcement, ‘And it’s boy! Congratulations.’

Kie lets out a sigh of relief. She knows it doesn’t matter, but there’s just something comforting about having one less unknown in her life at that point.

‘Damn,’ JJ throws her a grin. ‘I was kinda hoping for a mini you.’

Linda chuckles lightly. ‘That’s sweet. Most fathers are hoping for a little version of themselves.’

JJ shrugs. ‘Well, the dad is a random one night stand that she can’t even remember the name of so we’re really rolling the dice on that one.’

The other woman's eyebrows shoot up and suddenly seems very awkward. ‘Oh. Oh, okay.’

Her eyes flick between the pair a couple times before she becomes extremely interested in the screen in front of her. Kie locks her jaw and glares at JJ, _why the fuck would he decide to tell her doctor that?_

She lets go of his hand, pushing it away a little more aggressively than probably necessary. He turns to her with a raised eyebrow.

‘What?’

Of course he’s oblivious to the situation.

Kie just shakes her head and sighs.

When they are walking back to his truck she brings it up.

‘I can’t believe you told my doctor how I got pregnant.’

‘Why? What’s the big deal?’

‘There’s a stigma attached to something like that J. I don’t want her thinking less of me or something.’

He shrugs and pulls his keys out of his pocket, watching them as he speaks, ‘Would you rather I just let her keep thinking I was the dad?’

The way he says it’s like he's proving a point, like of course she wouldn’t want people to think she was having _his_ kid. She is about to reassure him that it’s not like that but the words get caught in her throat. She realises that Linda’s incorrect assumption hadn’t even occurred to her, let alone had she wanted to correct her.

She tries not to think too much about it, and doesn’t end up responding as she climbs into the passenger seat of the truck.

JJ doesn’t go back to work, instead takes the shower he was supposed to before they left and watches a couple of episodes of Santa Clarita Diet with her before they leave for The Chateau.

Kie knows she shouldn’t be nervous. Sarah and John B are two of her best friends, and she knows they will be supportive and happy for her, but there’s still this sinking feeling in her gut. It’s like the more people she tell’s the more real it becomes, that this is her life, not that she’s not already well into this or that the ultrasound today didn’t make that truly resonate with her.

She really can’t explain what it is, but she knows that her leg doesn’t stop shaking the whole drive, as her hand runs over her small bump, the other one at her mouth as she chews on her thumb nail. JJ keeps throwing her looks but doesn’t say anything until they pull up.

‘You ready?’ he asks, shutting off the engine. 

Kiara gives him a nod, _as she’ll ever be._

‘Hey, John B?’ JJ calls out to the house as he drops the carton of beer he had over his shoulder on to the porch.

A response calls out from the kitchen, she thinks, ‘In here!’

‘I’ve got a surprise for you.’

JJ stands next to the open door and makes a gesture for her to go in. Kie takes a deep breath and follows his instruction.

‘I swear to god JJ if-’ John B’s words get cut off as he sees her walk through the door, JJ on her heels.

Sarah and John B are standing in the kitchen, shock on their faces staring back at her.

‘Hey guys.’ She offers them a small wave.

Smiles break out and all of a sudden they are both making moves.

‘Kie!’

‘Holy shit!’

She gets squished together in an overwhelming group hug and can’t even bring herself to worry that it’s probably not great for the baby. Having them in her arms just feel so right.

They pull away and start bombarding her with questions.

‘When did you get back?’

‘How long are you here for?’

‘Are you gonna stay?’

John B turns to JJ and playfully punches him in the arm. ‘Why didn’t you tell us man?’

And then Kie’s notices Sarah’s gone quiet and her eyes are wandering, falling down to her stomach, her mouth agape. Kie’s starting to realise if she doesn’t want people knowing the second they look at her she’s probably going to have to get some more loose fitting clothes.

‘Oh my god…’ Sarah breathes out. ‘Kie… are you…?’

She doesn't finish the sentence. Kie bites her lip and slowly nods at Sarah, confirming her suspicions.

‘Wow!’ A smile breaks out on the other girls face, and Kie feels her whole body untense. ‘That’s… unexpected. Congratulations.’

They wrap each other in another hug, this time softer, Sarah being careful.

‘Wait… what?’ comes John B’s voice, ever confused.

JJ chuckles and is then sliding past him to head to the fridge.

‘John B,’ Sarah deadpans and then gestures to Kie like it’s obvious.

He just shakes his head, ‘I don’t - what is it?’

Kie sighs, run’s he hands over her belly to show it off. ‘I’m pregnant.’

‘Oh,’ John B says, and then slightly more alarmed like the words actually sunk in, ‘ _Oh!’_

He frantically looks between Kie and her belly and then Sarah a couple times, processing. And then his mouth falls open and he’s turning to JJ who’s leaning against the fridge, beer raised to his lips mid-sip.

‘JJ, how the fuck did you pull that off?’

JJ chokes on his beer, liquid slightly spraying out of his mouth around the glass as he lurches forward and then starts coughing.

‘Seriously?’ Kie questions.

‘Oh my god.’ Sarah lets out an exasperated sigh at her boyfriend.

‘It’s not his, dumbass.’

‘Try not to sound so offended, Kie,’ JJ quips, his voice still a little horse from his coughing fit.

‘Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah, of course.’ John B steps back into her and wraps his arms around her. ‘That’s so cool Kie.’

They sit out on the porch and Kie tells them the whole story. Well, not the whole story. She tells them about the conception and her decision. She leaves out the part about her parents, but when she says she's been staying with JJ for about a week she thinks they must figure it out, and she’s glad they let it slide.

She tells them it’s a boy and shows them the little picture they got from the doctors visit. JJ mumbles something about him being about the size of a banana, that’s what Linda had told them, and Sarah shoots him a strange look but doesn’t comment.

Later in the night Sarah corners her in the kitchen while she’s getting another glass of soda water, because non-alcoholic drinks are a bit few and far between at the Chateau. 

‘Why didn’t you come here?’

It’s the question that she's been dreading. Because she doesn’t have an answer, or maybe she’s scared of the answer that will come if she thinks about it too long.

She just shrugs. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Kie… you know we would’ve been there for you. I don’t want you thinking that you can’t come to us.’

‘No. No no no. It’s not like that.’ She really doesn’t want Sarah thinking that she doesn’t know the extent that they would go for her. ‘I know that, I really do. It was just what felt right in the moment. It wasn’t about you two, I swear.’

Sarah eyes her for a second. ‘So… It was about… JJ?’

There seems to be some sort of insinuation in her words and Kie doesn’t like it. Her eyes flick over Sarah’s shoulder to the porch, where she can catch the smallest glimpse of JJ out laughing with John B.

‘No. I mean, yes… Kind of. I don’t know.’ Had she mentioned she was confused yet?

‘I guess I just… Things are easy with JJ, I didn’t want to think about it too much and I knew you guys would want to talk.’

Sarah nods slowly. ‘Okay. I get that.’

There’s a beat.

‘You don’t have to talk about it too much if you don’t want to. But I am always here.’

‘I know.’

‘So, now. Do you want to come here? I mean you can stay with us. JJ’s apartment is kind of small.’

‘No, it’s fine. It’s actually pretty…’ Comfy is the word that comes to mind, it is strange how the space has become so familiar in such a small amount of time. ‘Nice.’

The skeptical eyebrow raise makes her laugh.

‘I don’t want to intrude on you guys, you need your space and time alone.’ Sarah opens her mouth to interrupt but Kie doesn’t let her. ‘And it seems to be working, me and JJ. If that stops, then you’ll be my first call, and I promise I will stay until long after you want me to leave.’

Sarah seems to be satisfied with that. 

The blonde moves to pull out a fresh drink for herself from the fridge and then flashes her a cheeky smile.

‘So, tell me about this guy.’

Kie rolls her eyes but laughs anyway, it feels like way too long since they’ve had a trashy girls gossip session.

‘He was like your typical sexy Australian surfer type, ya know. He was like tan and had blonde hair and…’ her eyes involuntarily dart back to JJ as she’s thinking back and she hates herself for it.

If she’s being completely honest with herself, there was part of the guy that had reminded her of JJ. And the fact that she found that attractive and then proceeded to sleep with him had been filed away with things that she refuses to think about too much.

A blush creeps up her cheeks and she looks down at her toes.

‘I don’t know. Hot enough to not have to be good in bed, I guess.’

She tries to end the conversation, maybe throw Sarah off with a poor attempt at a joke. It doesn’t work, Sarah clears her throat and then.

‘Kie? One of you are sleeping on the couch right?’

Her head snaps up and she knows her face is red. _God fucking damn it Sarah_ , she’s too observant for her own good.

‘Of course.’ She hopes her confusion sounds convincing. ‘What else would you expect?’

Kie picks up her drink and makes her best attempt at a casual exit before Sarah can say anything else. She sits down next to John B when she gets back outside, instead of reclaiming her spot next to JJ, and she hopes it’s not as painfully obvious as it seems.

They spend the weekend together and it’s almost like old times. _Almost._ Because, Pope’s not there. And she’s pregnant. She can’t drink, because she’s pregnant. No one even mentions surfing, because she’s pregnant. They don’t smoke around her and she’s not quite sure if it’s because she’s pregnant or if they just don’t do it as much these days. 

But they do go fishing, and out on the Pogue, and hang out at The Chateau. She’s still avoiding town, and the subject of her parents, but they make a good distraction. The four of them together having fun, reminding her of the good old days.

It’s that weekend she truely realises how much she’s missed the OBX. How much she’s missed her friends. Her home.

* * *

‘JJ?’ she calls out to the empty space as she enters the apartment.

She knows he’s home, or at least she’s pretty sure he’s home. His bike was parked out on the street and she swears every light in the apartments is on. Kie throws the keys for his truck down on the kitchen table and moves to investigate.

She finds him past the glass sliding doors off the bedroom, sitting on one of the old plastic chairs of the balcony in the dim light.

He offers her a smile when she steps out and then quickly stubs out the half finished cigarette in the ashtray on the table and replaces it with the beer bottle that sat next to it. Plopping down in the other chair, Kie notes the phone pushed up to his ear.

JJ lets out a small laugh at the muffled sounds on the other end of the line. ‘Well that’s your problem right there,’ he says, a quick sip of his drink. ‘If you waited until after you got blown to talk about dead bodies you wouldn’t have even known and it would've been fine.’

She can’t understand what Pope says but he definitely doesn’t sound happy and JJ erupts into laughter. Kie just scrunches up her face, not entirely sure she wants to know what they are talking about. 

Pope speaks again and JJ’s face falls after a moment, suddenly serious. ‘Man, shut up.’

Another beat.

‘Fuck you, it’s not like that.’ It’s more playful than geniunely pissed off, but JJ still seems uncomfotable with whatever’s being said.

JJ swallows and his eyes dart over to her a couple times, deciding to take pity on him and bail him out, she speaks up.

‘Oh stop picking on him, Pope.’ She reaches over the table between them and places her hand on his shoulder in a teasing gesture of comfort, giving him a pout for good measure.

He turns to her and shakes his head, a small smirk playing on his lips.

‘Yeah, she just got home,’ JJ answers Pope, she assumes the question being _was that Kie?_

‘Hey Pope!’

‘He says _hi_ ,’ JJ translates.

She’d Facetimed Pope on Sunday to tell him the news, his face went blank and he just stared for about a minute. Then he was info dumping on her every pregnancy fact he knew, which really was nothing but the obvious that she already knew, before asking if she’d been doing research or if she wanted him to do it.

Once she got him to settle, stop talking for a second, a silence washed over them and then he asked, ‘Are you… happy?’

It’d be a lie if she said she didn’t have to think about it for a moment, but she answers with a nod and soft smile, ‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m happy.’

She was nervous, and scared, but she _was_ happy. Definitely happy.

‘Look, man I’ll talk to you later okay?’ JJ starts wrapping up the conversation. ‘Yeah, love you too.’

He drops the phone on the table, then leans back in his chair and runs a hand through his hair.

‘So Pope went out with this guy from his class right?’ JJ shoots her a grin, like this story completely tickles him. ‘And turns out the guy is just a little _too_ into dead bodies…’

Kie squints at him for a second before his meaning washes over her and her mouth falls open, ‘Ew! Oh my god!’

Once again JJ erupts in laughter, his head tilting back and the sound of delight carries through the night air.

‘That’s so fucked up, JJ, stop laughing! How the hell is that guy allowed to become a coroner?’

‘Guess _do dead bodies turn you on_ isn’t on the admissions questionnaire,’ he says with a shrug, as if it’s something totally normal to be happening. 

‘Wait. Didn’t you say he should’ve hooked up with him before he found that out?’ Kiara releases thinking back to the conversation she overheard moments ago.

‘Blow job’s a blow job, Kie.’ His head rolls to look at her, a lazy smirk pulling up at the side of his lips. ‘Even if it is from a freak.’

Kie scoffs at him and picks up the beer cap from the table and tosses it at him. ‘You're disgusting.’

He quickly dodges the attack.

It takes a moment for his chuckles to die out. When they do he turns slightly more serious, taking a sip of his beer before speaking again.

‘So, how’d today go?’

She’d gone to Charlie’s, a small seafood place down on the marina, to ask for a job.

‘Good, good.’ Kie nods slowly, and avoids eye contact. ‘Apart from the part where he asked why I wasn’t working for my parents anymore and I had to hold it together long enough to have a break down in the car park and not right there in front of him.’

‘Kie…’

‘No… it’s… it’s fine.’ She turns to him with a half hearted smile. ‘It’s not a big deal, it’s just all these fucking hormones.’

He looks at her like he doesn’t quite believe her, nodding slightly, but thankfully doesn’t call her out on it.

‘Anyway, he’s gonna give me a job. Told him I was pregnant and he said we can work around it.’ She flops her hand’s down on her belly. ‘Not that I can really hide it anymore.’

Her bump has really popped out against her typically slender frame. It seems every day it becomes more and more obvious she’s pregnant. She’s so thankful she hasn’t run into anyone she knows well enough to care to spread the rumours yet. It’s bound to happen, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to delay the inevitable for as long as possible. 

‘That’s good then.’

‘Yup. And hey, who needs positive parental relationships?’

The sound JJ makes is a little too sarcastic to be a proper laugh. ‘Amen to that.’

He’s looking down at the bottle in his lap, picking at the label. A wave of guilt washes over Kie when she realises she hasn’t even tried to talk to JJ about Luke since she got back, about what happened.

‘JJ, about what-’

‘Don’t,’ he gives her a halfhearted warning.

‘I just wanted to say-’

‘He’s not worth talking about, okay?’

Kie lets out a deep sigh, but doesn’t push him. She learnt a long time ago that JJ will only talk when he wants too.

‘He got what was coming to him and it was just pure dumb luck it didn’t happen sooner.’

JJ wasn’t the one who told her, they’ve never even spoken about it. It was Pope that had called her and told her words that honestly made her feel one thing, relief. _Luke Maybank is dead._ Rolled his car driving under the influence, probably slow and painful, and all Kie could think was _good._ And she can’t even bring herself to feel bad for thinking that about a person's life.

‘Didn’t have the common fucking decency to only ruin his life with his shitty choices. So I’m not going to fucking dignify him by even talking about him, he can fade into oblivion for all I care.’

That was the part that broke her heart. When Pope told her about the other car, the couple, because even in his last moments on this Earth Luke managed to ruin two more young lives.

‘Fair enough,’ Kie concedes.

They sit in the tense moment for longer than she’s comfortable with, and she tries her best to find a reasonable segway to something a little more positive.

‘So, how’s being a homeowner feel?’

He scoffs humorously. ‘Who would've guessed, JJ Maybank: landlord.’

‘Yeah, I would’ve thought more like a slumlord,’ she laughs.

‘That’s more like it.’ he agrees. ‘It took us like a week to get all the shit cleaned up but it scrubs up alright. Rents out alright, just positively gearing those two fucking morgages.’ He shrugs. ‘Guess not even The Cut is immune to inflation.’

Kie just stares at JJ, him talking about positive gearing, and inflation, and mortgages like it’s the most normal thing in the world. The JJ Maybank she left behind would never. It’s like he’s matured, cares about more about surfing and engines, it’s nice to see and, well, hot as fuck, if she’s being completely honest.

Yeah, okay, her hormones have been a little out of control unpredictable lately.

She’s half tempted to ask him why he even wants to keep a house that is associated with so much childhood trauma, but she’s genuinely worried he’ll say something about equity and she’s not entirely sure she’ll be able to cope with that.

JJ’s brow scrunches when he looks at her and catches her staring. ‘What?’

‘Am I mistaken, or have you grown up, Maybank?’ she jokes.

‘I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself there,’ he blows her off, but his smile is beaming, like he’s proud that she’s realised how far he’s come.

They sit for a while longer. JJ tells her about his day and they look out into the night sky off the balcony, listening to the distant crashing of waves and Kie finds herself thinking something that is either very good or very bad:

_I could get used to this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I killed off Luke Maybank. It's what she deserves.
> 
> Fair warning, this fic is going to include a few repeating themes, such as: JJ being mistaken for the dad, Kie being horny on main for JJ and acting like it's just the hormones, them constantly being nervous to offer or ask for JJ to be involved with baby stuff because who knows where the line is? they sure as shit don't and obviously JJ and Kie being dumb as shit in their decisions and completely obvious to both their situation and feeling. 
> 
> Let's mcfucking do this!


	2. and there was only one bed.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Two takes us surfing. Introduces two slightly unpleasant OC's and one that's pretty cool. Kie and Heyward have a moment. And of course *gasp* there is only one bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And finally the moment you've all been waiting for. Lara get's her shit together and posts chapter 2.  
> A bit of a filer chapter to get us to the long awaited chapter 3, but I hope you all enjoy.  
> Once again thank you to Jordan for betaing from me and (maybe) not judging my shitty grammar and for ressuring me this chapter isn't pure trash.   
> Enjoy :)

It’s a loud bang and a half whispered ‘fuck’ that’s wakes her from her sleep, and she could almost kill JJ. You know, if they weren’t in his apartment that he was letting her live in rent free. And she was currently sleeping in his bed while he’s been exiled to the shitty couch. 

Kie’s never been a big fan of waking up early, the small exception made for surfing - and that was a no go these days - and she definitely didn’t enjoy being woken up. Lately even more so now that a good night's sleep, with more than a couple hours strung together, escapes her. 

The thing about being pregnant is how much your body changes. It’s like she doesn’t recognise herself and suddenly has no clue how to be comfortable. That and it’s like every part of her aches and pains, stops her from being able to relax enough to get a substantial sleep. 

She doesn’t even want to think about the nightmares. About being all alone, abandoned. About screwing up her life or being a bad mother. The nightmares that wake her up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat and make her not want to even try going back to sleep. 

Of course it’s the morning she’s finally having a decent sleep that JJ feels the need to stumble around the room at the ass crack of dawn. 

‘What the fuck are you doing, Maybank?’ 

She pushes up onto her elbows and squints at him, trying to make out his shape in the dim room. It’s gotta be early. There’s only just enough light from the sun peaking over the horizon and coming through the glass doors for her to be able to vaguely make out him crouched to the ground in front of the wardrobe sorting through the collection of clothes that sit there is a messy pile. All the cleaning up she’d done her first week there had clearly been in vain.

He flinches, probably not realising he’d woken her, turns and stands, looking down at her. 

‘Hey. Sorry.’ His voice is a whisper, and he scratches behind his ear. ‘I didn’t want to wake you. I was just-‘ He lifts up his hand in way of explanation, in it a pair of black board shorts. 

He’s going surfing. 

He’d only been a handful of times in the over a month she’d been home. She’s not sure if that’s typical and he just doesn’t have the time like he used to, or if he’s taken pity on her and her current state and hasn’t wanted to rub it in her face. 

It’s always been mornings that he goes, long before she gets out of bed, even if she’s been up for hours just tossing and turning. Sometimes he’s already back and showered, drinking coffee in the kitchen when she gets up. Others she’s making breakfast and he strolls through the door dripping salt water and dragging half the beach along behind him. He always seems to be able to charm his way out of her half-hearted attempts to ridicule him for it.

Kie grunts in acknowledgment and then flops back, closing her eyes and hoping she is still asleep enough to let it wash over her once again.

She feels a poke at her arm.

Cracking an eye, she sees JJ’s moved over to the side of the bed. Crouched down, resting one arm on the mattress, pushing up against her own.

‘You want to come?’

He’s always way too peppy before an early morning surf.

‘Where?’

‘For a surf,’ he elaborates. 

‘I can’t surf JJ,’ she says with a sigh, wiggling further into the pillows and hoping to end this conversation soonish.

JJ’s face scrunches up. ‘Why not?’

With the raise of an eyebrow, Kie uses both hands to gesture down at her body, the ever growing bump visible under her tank top, the blankets long kicked off to the end of the bed. The shitty ceiling fan is no rivail to the warm nights.

‘So what? Some chicks still surf right until they are ready to pop. You’ll be alright.’

_ How the hell does he know that? _

She turns onto her side, not having the energy to sit up again, to face him, and tucks her hands under her face. It’s not that  _ she  _ didn’t know that. It’s perfectly safe. She looked it up soon after deciding to keep the baby, sitting on the beach in Australia, her rented board next to her and contemplating whether to do it or not.

She didn’t go in. It didn’t matter how many times she read it, how many articles she looked at telling her it was fine. There was this nagging feeling in her gut, about the little life she had to protect, and what if she hits the water wrong, or her board smacks into her, or the countless other things that could go wrong and something happens to the baby. She’s not sure she could live with that.

There’s that, and then the ever growing problem of her messed up centre of gravity and difficulty getting up and down. 

So, she’s been avoiding the topic of surfing. Until now, she was sure that JJ had just assumed she couldn’t and left it alone.

‘How do you know that?’

‘Cause I’ve lived on The Cut my whole life.’ He shrugs like it’s obvious. ‘Also, I googled it.’ He flashes her a cute lopsided smile.

_ He googled it.  _

Is the fact that that makes her heart jump a little, that he put thought to it, pathetic?

‘Oh.’ She turns back up onto her back, looking up at the ceiling to avoid his gaze.

‘So, you coming?’

‘I don’t think-’ She tries to think of a reasonable excuse that doesn’t make her sound like a chicken shit.

‘Come on Kie. We haven’t gone surfing together in forever.’

She sighs. ‘Yeah, I know.’

‘And I know you miss the surf at Rixon’s.’

‘I do.’ She looks down, places her hand on her bump and runs them over it nervously, searching for the right words. ‘It’s just…’

She trails off. It’s so dumb and she really doesn’t think JJ will get it. Airing on the other side of caution is more his thing.

JJ’s sighs quietly beside her. There’s some movement, and then he’s laying on the small space on the mattress between her and the edge.

He’s on his side facing her, and she can feel his eyes burning into her. She doesn’t want to look at him. She just wants to go back to sleep and not have this conversation.

‘Kie,’ he starts off. ‘He’s a lot tougher than you think.’

She tilts her head to look at him. He doesn’t look like he’s judging her, or like she’s being stupid. She really hates that he seems to have read her mind.

‘A little surfing isn’t gonna do any harm. Might even do some good. Help get you out of your head. Help you relax. Being this tense can’t be good for the little guy.’

‘I’m not tense.’

‘Yeah, you are. I can see your brain working constantly. Worrying over everything’s got you wound all tight.’

She wants to protest but he’s got a pont.

‘I’d normally suggest weed, but seeing as that’s off the table, I reckon surfing’s our next best option.’

She considers it for a moment before slowly nodding. ‘Yeah, okay.’

It can’t hurt to try, and if it doesn’t feel comfortable, she can stop. If anything goes wrong JJ will be right there.

JJ breaks out in a smile. ‘Or if you dont want to, we could always give sex a go.’

Kie gasps.  _ We  _ could. Evenwhile she’s pregnant JJ wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to hit on her for the fun of it.

He laughs at her reaction, and she reaches over to give his shoulder a shove. It’s not hard but enough to offset his balance and send him rolling off the edge of the bed, giving him half a second to twist around and somehow land on his feet.

Grinning down at her JJ asks again. ‘So, you coming?”

‘Yeah.’ She sits up with a sigh and rubs at her eyes. ‘Just give me 10 minutes.’

Kiara would like to say she’s always been pretty confident in a bikini. From when she was young, but even more so when she hit puberty and filled them out more. She knew she had a bikini body, and even if she didn’t she  _ liked  _ wearing them and never second guessed it.

Now, she looks in the mirror, wearing one of her favourites, and she hates what she sees. And she hates that she hates it. She knows that she is creating life and it’s supposed to be this amazing empowering thing that she should show off proudly or whatever. But all she can do is look at her protruding belly and the faint stretch marks starting to creep along her once smooth skin and she hates it. She feels huge, and off-balance and just not her. And the knowledge that it’s only going to get worse haunts her.

In a couple of months her toned 21-year-old body has completely disappeard, and she desperately wants to be a good feminist and doesn’t want to miss how she used to look, or to think that this doesn’t change how she views herself, but it does.

She’s glad that JJ doesn’t comment when she comes out of the bedroom with a thick, yellow button up wrapped tightly around her to hide. He doesn’t comment when they get to the beach and she has no choice but to pull it off. Just flicks his eyes over her and then flashes her a smile before running to the waves.

It’s not too bad. She has to push up on her knees to compensate for the extra size around her middle, and she was right about her centre of gravity. Not only does it take a considerable amount more effort to get up, staying up is way harder. Her first wave she gets up for about two seconds before falling face first and hitting the water hard.

JJ’s already paddling over to her by the time she resurfaces, worry on his face.

‘You okay?’

She spits out the reminisce of salt water and gives him a reassuring smile. ‘Yeah, all good,’ she says, and then awkwardly climbs back onto her board.

Once he knows she is okay, his face untenses like he wasn’t freaking out a moment ago.

‘Damn Kie, you really shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. Your surfing’s gone to shit.’

She flicks some water at him and he attempts to dodge it with a laugh.

‘I’m pregnant, asshole.’

‘Always with the excuses.’

It doesn’t take long for her to get the hang of it, and she’s only slightly annoyed that JJ was right. Out on the waves, or maybe even just the salt water seeping into her skin on its own, helps melt away her worries. For the first time in probably months, it’s like her mind has switched off and there’s no problems she has to worry about. And she can just act like a carefree teenager again (even if she is a pregnant one).

Predictably, she gives up a lot sooner than JJ. Even before the low energy levels of pregnancy and the extra strain she has to put on her legs, she couldn’t match JJ’s stamina on the water. He offers to come in with her but she tells him to stay, goes and lays in the sand, letting the sun and crashing waves lull her into a half decent sleep before JJ wears himself out.

It feels like an ambush. They are walking back up the sand dunes to the car park, JJ carrying both of their boards, and someone yells across the beach.

‘Oh my god, Kiara!’

She quickly identifies the voice as Steph Harlow, a girl they grew up with on The Cut. She practically skips over to them with her tan skin and unblemished bikini body. The insecurity that she had managed to briefly forget about washes over her again and she wishes to god she’d put her shirt back on.

‘Girl. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!’ 

‘Yeah, I’ve… I’ve been away.’ 

‘Oh I know.’ Steph reaches out and knocks her shoulder playfully. ‘Big world traveller you. It’s so-’

The other girl’s eyes fall down and she cuts herself off mid sentence. 

‘Oh. My god.’ Her mouth falls open in what Kie is sure over exaggerated excitement. ‘Are you kidding me?’

‘No. It’s for real.’ Kie tries to make her voice seem happy, but she’s not exactly loving this interaction and she thinks her fake, tight-lipped smile might be giving it away. It’s not that she doesn't like Steph. The girl is perfectly nice, but she has just always been a bit… much.

‘Shut up! That’s amazing.’ 

‘Yeah, it is. Not really-’

Kie is cut off by Steph surging forward and gripping her belly between her hands.

‘And you’re so big!’

It’s probably best that Steph isn’t looking at her because she might die on the spot. Kiara’s eyes bulge out of her head as her eyebrows raise and lips pushed together hard, in her best attempt to bite her tongue.

What’s worse? Calling her ‘big’ or deciding that she doesn’t need permission to touch another person? Kie’s not sure, but she’s starting to wonder if pregnancy hormones make it ‘justified’ assault.

She’s raking her mind to find the most polite way to say  _ get the fuck off me _ , when JJ clears his throat next to her.

‘When was the last time you saw a pregnant chick still look that hot in a bikini right?’

For the first time Steph acknowledges JJ’s presence, and thankfully straightens up, pulling away from Kie in the process.

‘Oh totally.’ She turns back to Kie and smiles. ‘You’ve got this whole hot baby mama thing going on.’

She thinks it’s a compliment, although it really doesn’t feel like one. 

‘Thanks…’

A voice yells from behind them to grab Stephs attention. Kie looks over her shoulder to see some guy she doesn't recognise waving her over, and a wave of relief washes over her.

‘Oh shit, I have to go.’ Steph puts a hand on Kie’s shoulder as she starts to move away. ‘But we should catch up some time.’

_ Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. _

‘For like a drink or something.’

_ Seriously?  _ ‘Yeah, I can’t-’ Once again Kie isn’t allowed to finish her sentence. 

Steph is flitting off as quickly as she came, twirling when she’s only a couple metres away.

‘Congratulations you two!’

‘Actually, I’m not-’ JJ tries to call after her, but she’s gone.

Kiara ignores the assumption, because it’s not the first time it’s happened, and she’s pretty sure as long as they keep living together it won’t be the last. The people who matter know the truth, and that’s all she cares about. If JJ has a problem with it, he can sort it out, because she no longer has the energy to care what other people think of her.

For completely different reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with what people think of her, she pulls her shirt back on and hastily does up the buttons, covering her body as much as she can. She can feel JJ watching her movements but ignores it.

She looks back up at him and pulls her wet hair out from under her collar. 

‘Well, guess the cat’s out of the bag then.’ 

Now that Steph knows, there is no doubt that the whole island will by tomorrow. Up until now, she’d donewell to hide under oversized clothes so even when she did run into people she knew they couldn't tell, but she had known it was only a matter of time.

‘You know, I never liked her.’

_ Yeah, that’s a fucking lie. _ A blonde girl with long legs and big boobs is the epitome of JJ’s  _ type.  _

‘Yeah, sure.’ Kie scoffs and starts walking back up the beach toward the truck.

‘I’m serious.’ He does a little jog to catch up to her. ‘She wouldn’t let me copy her math homework in 8th grade.’

‘Oh wow, she really is a monster.’ Her voice drips with sarcasm. 

‘The worst.’ He bumps his shoulder with hers. ‘You wanna get something to eat? There’s this new place on Kent that does a breakfast burrito to die for.’

They slide past the fact that they always used to go to The Wreck after surfing.  _ Always. _

‘Yeah. Sounds good.’

A lot of things are different now, everything is about to change. But one thing that will always stay the same is that the way JJ smiles down at her makes her think it will all be okay.

______

Her beat up vans echo on the dirty concrete as she enters the garage. Kie scans the expanse of the workshop, trying to find JJ’s blond mop of hair. 

Some guy walks past carrying a box of engine parts. ‘Can I help you darling?’ 

Ignoring the condescending nickname Kie answers, ‘I’m ah… Looking for JJ?’

He turns and calls over his shoulder into the depths of the workshop. ‘Oi, Maybank. Some pregnant chick is here to see you.’

And if she had to find something she hated being called less than darling it would be s _ ome pregnant chick _ . She tugs her top down a little. Once everyone found out about the pregnancy, Kie switched out her oversized clothes, not feeling the need to hide anymore, but she’s now wondering if maybe her tank top and linen pants shows off too much of her changing body.

JJ’s head pops out from under the hood of some rusty station wagon, a wide grin on his face as he locks eyes with her. He’s got a bandana wrapped around his head, his hair pushed back out of his face. A tight white tank top clings to his upper body, splattered with smudges of dirt and grease, and when he steps out from behind the vehicle, she sees he’s got a navy mechanics jumpsuit unbuttoned to his waist and tied around. If a surge of pregnancy hormone induced attraction runs through her, that’s none of anyone's business.

He tosses the spanner in his hand onto the bench next to him and pulls out a rag from his back pocket, wiping his hands on it as he casually strolls over to her.

‘Damn,’ he stays when he reaches her. ‘I was hoping it was the other pregnant chick.’

‘Oh yeah? Which one’s that?’

‘Don’t worry about it. She only comes around when you’re out.’ He shoves his hands in his pockets and flashes her a shit eating grin.

‘That’s cute.’ 

Kie fishes out a M&M from the packet in her hand and pops it in her mouth before titling the packet towards JJ, offering him one.

He pulls his hands out of his pockets, holding them palm out and wiggling his fingers, showing off his grease stained hands in response. Kie pulls out another one and holds it up to his mouth. Hehesitates for a moment before opening his mouth up and letting her place it on his tongue.

He chews slowly, watching her with an unreadable look on his face

‘What’s up?’

‘Oh.’ Suddenly she remembers that she actually came here for a reason. 

She pulls out his apartment key from her pocket and holds it up to him. 

‘I’m working late so you can’t rely on me to get back in.’

JJ’s got this terrible habit of leaving without his key and then just expecting her to be home to let him in.

He shrugs and takes the key from her, shoving it in his own pocket. ‘I would have figured it out.’

‘Oh yeah, sure. I don’t know how you survived without me.’ Sure, he’s come a long way with responsibility in the last couple of years, but organisation is still not a skill he possesses. 

There’s a playful glint in his eye. ‘The apartment isn't that hard to break into.’

It sounds like he’s speaking from experience, which doesn't surprise her really.

‘Well, that’s comforting.’

He reaches up and tugs one of her curls. ‘You wanna get some lunch? I can take my break.’

‘My shift starts in 10.’

‘Right.’ He gives her a pointed look. ‘Have you eaten?’

She lifts up the packet of M&M’s in her hand and shakes it at him. 

‘Looks like you’ve got all the food groups covered there.’

_ Says the guy who used to smoke a joint for breakfast. _

‘Not my fault baby is craving chocolate. I’m just giving him what he wants.’

He laughs, shaking his head at her. ‘You’re gonna be a great mother.’

‘I know right?’ She grins at him.

‘And who do we have here?’ The guy from earlier comes up behind JJ, wrapping an arm around his neck and leaning over to look Kie up and down obnoxiously. 

JJ pushes his lips together, not seeming overly pleased with the interruption. ‘This is Kiara. Kie, this is Benji.’

‘Hi.’ Kie offers a small wave, which is promptly ignored.

‘She’s cute, man.’

‘She’s standing right in front of you.’

‘And fiesty. I like that.’

She sees the whites of JJ’s eyes and then he’s shrugging his shoulder to casually push Benji off him.

‘So. You the reason we’ve barely seen Maybank lately?’

‘You see me every day at work,’ JJ points out.

‘Yeah, but you don’t come out with us anymore.’

‘Been busy, that’s all.’

‘Oh yeah I bet.’ Benji tosses her a wink and Kie’s eyebrows hit her hairline. _ Is this guy for real? _

‘You should come to Seymore’s tomorrow night.’

Seymore’s being some dive bar on the Cut. Theyused to go there quite a bit the summer after they graduated, because the place was never too worried about drinking ages as long as you didn’t stir up trouble. They clearly still weren’t if they were letting JJ in. 

‘I don’t think-’

‘Yeah. Sure,’ Kie cuts him off.

If she’s being honest she kind of feels guilty about how much she’s disturbed JJ’s life. Sure, she knows he would’ve spent a lot of time with John B and Sarah, which they still do. But she also knows that had she not been there, he probably would have been out at some stupid bar with his workmates rather than sitting at home watching Schitt's Creek.

JJ looks at her with a raised brow, and Benji grins.

‘Awesome. I like you Tara.’ And just like that he’s gone as quickly as he came.

‘We don’t have to go,’ JJ says the second he’s out of earshot. 

‘No. I want to. It’ll be good to get out. See other people, right?’

‘Right.’ He steps a little closer and lowers his voice. ‘I’ll make sure to keep Benji away from you.’

She giggles. ‘I thank you for that.’ And then after a beat. ‘I better get to work.’

‘Right. Have fun.’

‘Will do.’ She starts backing up out of the garage. ‘I’ll be home at 7.’

‘I’ll be there.’

‘Dinner on the table?’

‘If you’re lucky.’

‘I’ll take that as a yes.’

  
  


Friday night she pulls on a yellow bodycon dress she got when she went to visit Sarah in Charleston a couple weeks ago and tries not to hate how it looks. She’s slowly outgrowing her clothes, and Sarah had insisted on taking her shopping, telling her that bodycon and flowy dresses were her best option to adapt to her growing size.

JJ falters for a second when she comes out of the bedroom, but then he’s tossing her the keys with a smirk and asking her to drive. Another perk of being pregnant - automatic designated driver. 

There’s a group of people seated around a couple of tables pushed together when they get there. She recognises Benji and is thankful when she spots the spare seats for them down the opposite end of the table. 

‘Hey guys. This is Kie.’ JJ grabs the attention of the group when they stand at the table. ‘Kie, this is everyone.’

There’s a chorus of hi’s and hello’s from the group, and then JJ gestures for her to sit. 

‘I’m gonna get a drink. You want anything?’ She raises an eyebrow. ‘You know you can come to a bar and order something that isn’t alcoholic.’

‘Lime and soda,’ she concedes.

‘Righto.’ He raps his knuckles on the table and heads off, leaving her alone with a bunch of strangers.

She sits there awkwardly as people chatter around her and really wishes JJ had taken her with him.

Thankfully the girl sitting across from her takes pity on her and extends a tattooed arm across the table.

‘Emma.’

Kie grips her hand in the other girl’s and gives it a quick shake.

‘Kie.’ 

‘Yeah I know. He just-’

‘Oh right, yeah. Of course.’ Kie laughs awkwardly. ‘Someone’s gonna have to tell him  _ this is everyone  _ is not actually an introduction.’

‘You can handle that one.’

They share a brief laugh and then fall into a silence, waiting for someone to speak next.

‘So…’ Emma eyes her almost suspiciously. ‘How far along are you?’ 

Her hand comes to rest on her bump - her new favourite comfort seeking gesture. ‘About 5 months.’ 

‘Wow that’s… ah. That’s so cool.’ Emma seems awkward about the conversation, nervous even. Kie’s not quite sure why. Ingeneral the woman seems far too confident to be uncomfortable talking to someone new. ‘Are you… excited?’

‘Um…’ She swallows and contemplates her answer,  _ how real do you get with someone you just met?  _ ‘Yeah I am, a little scared as well. But JJ’s been great with that, you know? Helping me just relax and see how this is actually pretty cool.’

Emma offers her a warm smile. ‘That sounds like him.’

‘Yeah…’ Kie ducks her head, looking down at her hand running over the soft fabric of her dress.

Taking a slow sip of her drink and watching her over the rim of her glass Emma seems to consider her next words. ‘I’ll be honest with you. It was a pretty big shock when you walked into the shop yesterday.’ 

‘Oh? Why’s that?’

‘I mean… I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything, but he never told us about you.’

She’s not entirely sure what that would  _ mean.  _ She doesn’t exactly see how her existence would be hot workplace banter. ‘Oh, that’s-’

Emma cuts her off. ‘Like,  _ my pregnant girlfriend is living with me  _ isn’t exactly something you usually forget to mention.’

Oh. Right. So JJ  _ really  _ hadn’t told them about her.

‘Oh! Oh no. No, we’re not- we’re just friends. He’s letting me stay with him. That’s it.’ 

Visible relief washes over Emma’s face. ‘Oh… Oh that makes sense.’ She lets out a deep breath and a laugh. ‘Shit, I was here thinking that he’s some asshole who got you pregnant and has been cheating on you for the last five months… like a lot.’

‘Right...’ Kie doesn’t know why she feels so uncomfortable hearing that, because she’s known for years just how free JJ is with his  _ love. _

‘Shit. That’s still probably not something you want to hear right?’

‘No, it’s fine I don’t-’

She trails off as JJ comes back over, placing her drink in front of her and pulling out the seat next to her to sit down.

‘What are you two talking about?’

Kie pushes her lips into a teasing smile. ‘Wouldn’t you like to know?’

He narrows his eyes at her. ‘That sounds vaguely threatening.’ 

‘As it should.’ She picks up her drink, taking a sip with a sly grin.

JJ mirrors her action, watching her closely, then turns to Emma, placing his beer back to the table.

‘I was telling Kie about the ‘67 Shelby GT500 you were working on the other day.’

‘That was you?’ Kie asks, she really wanted to see it when JJ had told her.

‘Yeah. That thing was a beauty. Don’t mind dealing with kooks if it means I can work on something like that.’

‘Totally. I’d love to work on a classic one day.’

‘Oh, you into cars?’ Kie tries not to be offended by how surprised Emma looks. 

‘Any sort of engine really.’ It’s been way too long she’s done any sort of mechanics. She definitely didn’t want to make a career of it like JJ, but she did miss it.

‘Any good with them?’

Kie shrugs. ‘I mean, I haven’t really done anything in a while, but I know my way around.’

‘Almost as good as me, this one.’ JJ pipes up, leaning back in his chair and resting an arm over the back of hers.

‘I think you meant better.’ Kie teases, looking over at him.

JJ’s brows creases and he shakes his head. ‘No, I don’t think I did.’

‘He meant better,’ Kie tells Emma, in a fake whisper.

‘Mmmm, sure I did.’ His arms fall from the back of her chair to around her shoulder so he can reach around and give her hair a cheeky tug.

She shrugs her shoulder and pushes into him, half heartedly trying to get him off her. He just grips her tighter and chuckles, eventually letting his arm settle there, even shuffling his chair into her to let it sit more casually.

‘Hey, Maybank,’ some guy calls from the other end of the table.

JJ takes a sip of his beer, jerking his head in acknowledgement.

‘Benji reckons he saw a 20 foot Great White of the coast the other day.’

‘Bullshit,’ JJ calls back as Benji starts to protest the validity of his statement, which Kie highly doubts.

The conversation carries on around her and Kie mostly just sits and listens, tries to focus on the voices around her and not the way JJ’s fingers casually run over her shoulder. Or the fact that after each time he gets up for another drink and sits right back down next to her he resumes the same position. 

She can’t quite put her finger on why she likes it so much. Or maybe she really doesn’t want to think about it too much. 

The more JJ drinks, the more thankful Kie is that Emma has stuck to her side. JJ gets full of energy and starts hanging more to the other boys and wandering around talking to everyone and anyone he comes across. She doesn’t mind. Really, her and JJ spend so much time together lately, it’s good for him to get out and spend some time with other people.

It’s getting late in the night, and she and Emma are standing at the bar, Kie telling the other girl about the Elephant sanctuary she volunteered at in Thailand, when someone comes up behind her and wraps his arms around her. Her body tenses at the unexpected contact until the familiar scent of salt and engine oil that lingers on JJ’s skin hits her.

His hands come to rest on her belly and he tucks his chin over her shoulder. Drunk JJ is always very affectionate - more affectionate than usual, that is. 

‘Hey there Mama.’ His head turns and she can feel his lips, a smile playing on them, against her ear as he speaks.

‘Hey there.’ She’s trying to keep a flat voice, but she’s pretty sure her amusement at his drunken state sneaks in. ‘You having fun?’

One of her hands comes up to rest over his on her bump and he nods into her neck.

‘Yup. Just won 50 bucks in pool.’ She has no clue how he could possibly have achieved that. ‘Next round’s on me.’

She turns her head as much as she can to look at him, and JJ rolls his head to the side, his cheek on her shoulder, to meet her gaze. His blue eyes unfocused but starting back at her.

‘I think it might be time to go home, actually.’ She hates how much it makes her sound like his mother, but her feet are hurting, and staying out at a bar all night is considerably less fun when you are not drinking.

JJ pouts at her. ‘You’re no fun.’

Her hand reaches up and gives him a couple condescending pats to the cheek. ‘Yes, I know, baby. But it’s bedtime.’

His arms tighten, pulling her in closer to him as he smirks at her. ‘Gonna have to at least buy me a drink if you want to get me into bed Carrera.’

‘Oh, I think you’ve had more than enough drinks.’

‘Hardly. Tolerance of an Ox.’ 

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head, turning back to Emma. A small knowing smile is on the girl's lips and Kiara squirms under her gaze, not wanting to think about the implications behind that look. 

Darting her eyes away, Kie clears her throat before mustering up the courage to look back up. 

‘Well, we’re gonna head off. It was great meeting you Emma.’

‘Yeah you too.’ She nods her head at the boy koala-bearing her. ‘Looks like you’ve got your hands full. Might be a good test run for motherhood.’

Kie laughs. ‘Something tells me a new born baby would be less work than this one.’

‘Isn’t that the truth.’

‘I can hear you,’ he mumbles. 

‘Oh sorry about that.’ Her hand on top of his laces their fingers together, and she pulls it away from her bump to start leading him to the door. ‘Come on.’

She looks at Emma a final time. ‘I’ll see you around.’

‘Don’t be a stranger.’ 

Kie nods and starts to the door, JJ obediently being led by the hand behind her. 

JJ slumps in the passenger seat of the truck, turns the radio up to some ridiculous level and lazily sings along as they drive. His arm reaches over the console, and he wraps one of her curls around his finger and then lets it fall apart once again. He repeats the process the whole way home, watching her intently, lips mouthing the words to some 00’s pop punk song. Kiara stares ahead at the road the entire time. 

The second they are in the apartment, JJ bee lines for the fridge, clattering things around, surely about to make a mess that Kie is going to have to refuse to clean up in the morning.

‘I’m gonna shower,’ she tells him, not wanting to deal with whatever mayhem he’s about to wreck in their kitchen.

JJ’s head pops up over the door of the fridge, a piece of deli champagne ham hanging from his mouth, the bag in his hand. He gives her a nod of understanding and she just rolls her eyes but can’t keep the smile off her lips as she walks down the hall.

The light to the balcony is on when she comes back to the bedroom. She can see JJ’s socked feet kicked up on the table when she settles onto the bed. The rest of him is sheltered from her by the wall. She has a pretty good idea of what he’s doing, and she thinks that’s why.

It’s not long until he’s sliding the door back open and joining her in the room.

‘How was your smoke?’ Kie asks, locking her phone and placing it on the bedside table next to her.

‘I don’t smoke. It’s a disgusting habit. How dare you accuse me of such things.’

It’s a game they play, he pretends he’s quit, and she sometimes lets him believe she believes it. 

‘Oh yes. That’s right.’

He’s definitely cut back. And he certainly doesn’t do it around her, because of the baby, she’s sure. But she knows he still sneaks out to the balcony when she’s not home or in the shower. On occasion has one at work. She can tell when he gets home because it clouds his usual smell and makes her stomach turn. She lets him get away with it, though. Because she’s not his keeper and she knows it’s some sort of coping mechanism. Settles his mind, gives him something to do, calms his nerves. 

JJ flops face down on the mattress with next to no grace, barely missing her as he drops. Lays there for a moment before propping his chin up on the bed, looking right ahead of him. Right at her belly. 

‘You know the baby can hear us?’

‘Really?’ 

‘Yeah, I saw it online.’  _ He saw it.  _ Kie quickly learnt that means he looked it up and doesn’t want to admit he was researching about the baby, likes to pretend pregnancy facts are just something that shows up in this instagram feed along with surfing videos and bikini models. 

Kiara’s hand traces over her bump, considering the information, contemplating talking to him. She wants to, and she knows it’s good for him to learn her voice and all that, but she feels weird doing it in front of JJ. Maybe she’ll do it when he’s at work.

JJ shuffles forward slightly, pushes his face right up to her, just shy of touching it.

‘Hey there baby.’ He clearly doesn't have the same reservations as she does. ‘It’s your Uncle JJ.’

Her skin prickles hearing him call himself that,  _ Uncle JJ. _ It makes her happy knowing that her son doesn't have a dad, might not have grandparents, but he will have family. She reaches down and threads her hand into his hair, letting her nails drag lightly along his scalp how she knows he likes it as he continues.

‘I can’t wait to meet you little man. We’re gonna have too much fun.’ His voice turns distant like a far off wonder of possibilities. ‘You can come to me for anything. I’ll give you advice. And I can get you weed and buy you beer.’

Kie gasps a laugh. ‘He’s not even born yet and you’re already corrupting him. That’s excellent, JJ.’

He reaches out his hand and places his open palm in her face. ‘I’m not talking to you. This is between me and the boy.’

‘Oh, I’m sorry. Please continue.’

Turning back to her belly, his arm comes down and wraps around it awkwardly, like he’s trying to hug the baby towards him. 

‘Yeah, I’m gonna take good care of you.’ His voice is barely a whisper and he leans forward to rest his forehead against. ‘And it’s okay that you don’t have a dad. You don’t need one. I’m gonna love you so much.’

A lump forms in Kiara’s throat, and she tries to swallow it down. Her grip in his hair tightens and she gives it a small tug getting him to look at her.

‘Time for bed don’t you think?’ She offers him a small smile and is thankful when he agrees.

JJ twists his body around and shuffles up her side, pushes up against her and cuddles into her, his face burrowing into her neck. She doesn't question him, just stokes his hair and tries to lull him to sleep.

‘You know you looked beautiful tonight Kiara.’ The words catch her off guard. She’d thought he’d fallen asleep.

‘You always look beautiful.’ There’s this far off tone in his voice, like he doesn't quite realise he’s saying it, half asleep and drunk and dazed.

‘You’re drunk, Maybank,’ she responds with a half laugh, because brushing him off is a lot easier than thinking about why her heart jumps when he says those words.

‘I am.’ She feels his head nod in agreement against her neck. ‘But I still think you’re beautiful when I’m sober.’

She doesn’t respond, just hopes the silence will put him to sleep.

‘Just cause your body’s different doesn’t mean it’s not still good.’

Of course he’s noticed. Noticed how insecure she’s been feeling lately. Because JJ is a lot more observant than people give him credit for. He always sees the small things, on high alert, always watching.

‘Oh my god. Go to sleep.’ She sounds annoyed. Or she tries to. She wants to be annoyed. But she can’t deny the butterflies that stir in her stomach. 

It’s the best sleep she’s had in a month. She’s not sure why, but she thinks maybe there’s a comfort in having someone next to her, some kind of security. 

The whole night she only wakes once - compared to the millions of times she has been - when JJ jerks awake in his sleep. 

‘You okay?’ The words had barely left her mouth before he was clambering over her and racing to the bathroom.

There’s a small level of satisfaction Kiara gets hearing him retching up the contents of his stomach, that for once it’s not her defacing thier bathroom with vomit.

The apartment fills with silence and Kie almost thinks he’s gone back to the couch. Shefeels a tinge of sadness at the thought, loneliness. But eventually he does wander back into the room, half asleep, his hair sticking out in every direction and stripped down to his underwear. He crawls back onto the bed and once again curls into her side, his arm over her middle just above the swell of the baby, his face pushed into her neck.

Kie wraps her arm around his shoulder, her fingers coming to twiddle with the strands of hair at the bottom of his neck.

‘Aren’t you glad I made you leave now?’

‘My hero,’ he hums into her neck,, his breathing steadying out within seconds.

When she wakes in the morning, JJ’s half hanging off the otherside of the bed, dead to the world. Leaving him to sleep his hangover off, Kie slips out of the room and settles into the couch, drinking Guava juice and reading the pregnancy book Sarah bought her.

It’s hours - almost 11 - when JJ finally emerges from the bedroom, having found some pants, and heads straight to the coffee pot. Kie watches him as he starts the aplicance up and then grips the bench, hanging his head down and letting out a long groan.

‘How you feeling?’ Kie asks with a laugh, only finding mild amusement in his discomfort. 

Part of her feels a little pity and maybe gratitude at the fact that he’s relying on coffee rather than his usual remedy of weed.  _ Nothing better for a hangover than a blunt _ , he had always maintained, and while she never would have asked him to, she is grateful that he’s cut back on that for what she assumes is her benefit.

He looks under his arm towards her, a grimace on his face. ‘Like death.’ 

Kie laughs.

He doesn’t speak again until he’s making his coffee, staring down at his mug as he fills it with milk. 

‘Sorry, I kinda invaded the bed last night.’

Kie looks up from her book and raises an eyebrow. She hadn’t really thought about it, but there’s been countless times that they’ve crashed in the same bed before at the Chateau after a big night.

‘It’s okay. Not like it hasn’t happened before.’ 

He nods, his eyes shifting to her’s briefly. ‘True.’

She throws her legs up on his lap and he settles in next to her. JJ’s head tilts back, his eyes closed trying to let the coffee tame his spinning head, listening and occasionally chiming in as she reads to him her pages of her baby book.

_____

‘Kiara.’

Her name being called breaks her out of her idle thoughts as she wanders along the jetty at the marina.  _ Exercise is good for the baby,  _ her book tells her, and while she gets more than enough exercise at work, she thinks probably the fresh air is good too. And really it’s something to do, because the apartment gets pretty boring when JJ is at work.

She turns to see the source of the voice and is almost shocked.

‘Oh. Hi, Mr. Heyward.’

She shouldn’t be surprised. Really the surprise is that she’s been back in the OBX for this long without seeing the man.

‘How are you doing?’ His question is pointed, more than just casual chit chat she’s sure.

‘Yeah. Good.’

It’s not necessarily awkward. She likes Heyward, she does. He’s a little gruff at times, but he’s got a good heart.. But she’s still not  _ close  _ with the man. He’s’s her friend's father, and they say hello in passing or small talk when she visits the shop. So having a conversation, especially without Pope there, especially with new circumstances in the mix, feels… weird.

‘Congratulations.’ He nods down at her belly. ‘Pope told us about the baby.’ Not that he really needs to use that disclaimer, because it’s pretty damn obvious these days that she’s knocked up.

‘Thanks. It’s - Thanks.’ She doesn’t know what she was going to say. Doesn’t really feel like getting into her complex feelings with Daniel Heyward on the marina dock. 

‘He also said you’re staying with JJ. You keeping him in line?’ She thinks it’s a joke. Forall his complaining about the Pogues, she knows Heyward has always had a soft spot for JJ.

‘Doing my best.’ She laughs, and then more seriously, ‘Actually, he does a pretty good job of that himself these days.’

‘I know.’ The sincerity in his voice makes Kiara smile. Not only is he keeping tabs on JJ, but he’s noticed how far JJ has come, that he’s grown up and is proving that he is more than his family name, his circumstances.

‘I hope he’s taking care of you.’

‘He is.’ Her hand comes up and absentmindedly runs over her belly. 

She doesn’t need taking care of. She really doesn’t. But there is something nice about JJ cooking her whatever dinner she has been craving, even if it’s not always great; or ordering her takeout cause what he cooked was  _ really  _ not great; or kneading his thumbs into her feet while they are watching tv because she was complaining about them being sore.

‘That’s good.’ There’s a small silence and Heyward reaches out to give her arm a comforting squeeze. ‘Well, you let us know if you need anything.’

That’s all it takes. A paternal figure, not even one for her, offers her some level of support, and her face crumples and her eyes water. That’s all it takes because she’s pregnant and she cries at everything, and she might miss her mum and dad, and she really wishes that’s what they had said to her, offered her when she came home scared and alone. 

‘Oh, sweetheart.’ It’s the softest she’s ever heard the man's voice. 

Then she’s being wrapped up in a pair of strong arms and is weeping into his chest.

She tries to suck in deep breaths and steady herself. Eventually calming down enough to pull away and maybe act like that wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that she's ever done.

‘Sorry it’s just - it’s just hormones and stuff you know.’ She wipes at her eyes and looks down at the ground, pushing a peice of hair behind her ear as she tries to compose herself. ‘I cried the other day when I couldn’t find the remote.’

‘I get it.’ He seems genuine. ‘When Yovone was pregnant with Pope she cried because I bought the wrong kind of peanut butter.’

‘Oh, how could you do that?’ she jokes with a watery laugh, choosing not to tell him that just the thought of JJ doing that to her makes her want to start crying all over again.  _ Who in their right mind would buy smooth peanut butter? _

‘Listen. How about you and JJ come over for dinner one night. You can tell us all about your trip.’

‘Oh, that’s okay, I wouldn’t want to-’ She definitely feels like doing that without Pope would fall smack balm in the middle of weird.

‘We’d love to have you, Kiara,’ he insists, making it seem like much less of an empty offer.

‘Um.. okay. Yeah. Sounds great.’ Maybe it won’t be too bad if JJ is with her. They might even be able to drag John B and Sarah along with them. ‘I ah… I better get going.’

‘Of course.’ He rests his hand on her arm again, only for a moment this time, and this time she does not cry. ‘Take care of yourself.’

‘You too.’

______

It takes waking up 5 times, about 14 different positions and an average of 3.5 collective hours of sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. For three days before she gives up. 

Kiara lays on her back and stares up at the ceiling, watching the shitty ceiling fan rattle as it spins around in the dim moonlight. Only contemplating for another second, she kicks off the blankets and sneaks out to the living room.

JJ’s fast asleep on the couch, her fuzzy purple throw blanket twisted around his legs, his feet resting over the arm rest because he’s slightly too tall to be using it as a bed. She takes a few small steps towards him.

She whispers into the still night air, ‘JJ?’

No response.

She takes another couple of steps until she’s standing right next to him, reaches out and brushes her fingers against his shoulder. ‘JJ.’

His whole body tenses as he flinches away from her touch and throws his whole body up against the back of the couch, as far away from her as he could get. His eyes are wide and blinking incessantly as he lets out hard shaky breaths.

‘Shit.’ Kie squats down to eye level with JJ, falls a little off balance and ends up on her knees. ‘Sorry. Sorry. It’s just me. It’s okay.’

She probably should have thought that through a bit more. 

JJ starts to relax as he registers her and his body relaxes, his breathing comes back down to normal. He pushes the heel of his hand into his eye, rubbing it, and sits up.

‘What’s wrong? Are you okay?’ His hand comes up and pushes through his sleep mussed hair, making it stick up at some gravity defying angle.

‘Yeah. Yeah. I just-’ Kie tucks her hair behind her ear and looks down, not knowing how to even ask. ‘I just… haven’t been sleeping well.’

JJ’s feet find the floor and he leans in towards her with a furrowed brow, forearms on his knees. ‘Okay…’

‘And like - The best sleep I’ve had in a month was the other night after, you know, after we went to the bar, so I was just wondering…’ It’s not a weird thing to ask. It’s fine, totally fine. She’s not sure what she’s so worried about. ‘I think it’s just having someone there. Ya know?’

He looks confused, and she’s not sure if he’s not following because he’s still half asleep or because she’s rambling or just because he’s JJ.

‘So, do you think you could.’ She tilts her head in the bedroom. ‘Come and…’ She trails off.

His tongue comes out and wets his lips, and he nods slowly. ‘Yeah. Okay, sure…’

He stands, reaching out a hand for her as he does. She grips it and lets him pull her off the ground with assistance from her other hand on the couch - it’s really a mistake to get on the ground these days.

Not knowing what she wants, JJ lays down on one side of the bed and lets her take control. Kie shuffles over to him and mirrors their position from the other night. Her head resting on his shoulder, her hand spreads out on his bare chest, getting a certain comfort from feeling the steady thump of his heart under it. 

Their middles don’t quite push up against each other like they did when JJ was in her position, with a baby - now the size of a small melon, JJ tells her - in between them. But he wraps his arm around her shoulder and pulls her close and she feels safe in his arms as sleep starts to easily find her. 

It’s not until JJ’s phone alarm in the other room sounds that she wakes up. Her eyes flutter but stay closed as she tries to bury herself back into JJ, who’s carefully trying to untangle himself from her, her leg having come over and wrapped around his waist in her sleep. 

Letting out a groan, she makes herself pull away.

‘Good sleep?’ JJ asks looking down at her from where he sits on the side of the bed.

She nods, stretching her body out, trying to waken and mumbles her response. ‘Yeah.’

‘Good.’ He pushes her hair out of her face and then he’s gone before she gets the chance to lean into his touch.

She doesn’t have to ask the next night, just tells him she’s going to bed like she does every other time, and without looking up from his phone - texting Pope she’s pretty sure - he tells her he’ll be there in a minute.

The soft click of the door closing behind him echoes through the room and she can feel him lift up the blankets and slide in behind her. His chest pushes up against her back and his arm wraps around her.

‘This okay?’ he asks, face buried in her hair.

She hums in contentment. ‘Good.’ 

Her foot reaches back to hook over his ankle and she lets his steady breaths lul her to sleep, the thump of his chest feeling slightly faster than it had the night before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget if you are reading this before 9 November 11:59pm (EST) you still have time to vote in the [jiara fanfiction awards](https://jiarafanfictionawards.tumblr.com/post/632653465136644096/let-the-reading-and-re-reading-begin-voting-is)!  
> Chapter 3 hopefully coming quicker than chapter 2!

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter will roughly be one month of the pregnancy until the last two. They are planned out but I am more than happy to indulge in any wants, needs or desires you might have.
> 
> I'm making no promises on the update schedule. We will get there when we get there. It all depends on your response to the fic, my motivation and my time because shockingly I actually have some kind of life. 
> 
> [Tumblr](https://hvitstark.tumblr.com/) (hvitstark)  
> [Instagram ](https://www.instagram.com/shielclmaiden/)(shielclmaiden)  
> 


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